


To Fix What We Broke

by Kelandry5



Series: What We Broke [1]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Anorexia, Basketball, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Protective Generation of Miracles, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-10 15:12:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 27,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8921980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelandry5/pseuds/Kelandry5
Summary: (Previously titled "Falling Apart") Seirin lost the match to Rakuzan resulting in Kuroko becoming severely depressed and eventually attempting suicide. No one is entirely sure what is going through his mind, but both Seirin and the GOM make it their job to help him recover. (TRIGGER WARNING: Self-harm, Eating Disorder, Attempted Suicide, Depression) Prequel to "To Love What We Broke"(Also available on Wattpad and Fanfiction.net)





	1. Effects of Loss

Seirin lost the winter cup to Rakuzan. The defeat was hard on all of them, but it took the worst toll on Kuroko. The team knew how important it had been to him to win that match and they knew he was suffering. Over the next two months, his skin was paler, his body got thinner and thinner till his bones could be seen, he always had bags under his eyes, he almost never spoke anymore, and everything he did became robotic. He even ditched class sometimes and sat out during practice. His face remained even more blank and unreadable than before, if that was even possible. Different team members had tried to speak to him, but it didn’t do any good. By the third month they all knew they couldn’t let this go on. Aida had sent Kuroko home three days ago after seeing how he was so weak he could barely stay standing long. No one had heard from him since and he wouldn’t answer his phone. Needless to say, they were beginning to get worried.  
“Kagami! Can you come here a sec?” Aida called to Seirins ace. Kagami ran over as requested.  
“What’s up coach?”  
“Have you still not heard from Kuroko?”  
“Yeah…”  
“Do you think you could go to his place and check up on him? You know how he has been since winter cup….I’m worried something might have happened. He might have…..” She couldn’t finish that sentence. It had only been a few days and normally she would never think it was possible, but remembering how Kuroko had looked last, she wasn’t so sure. Kagami surprisingly didn’t need her to finish to understand what she meant. He agreed immediately.  
“I don’t know where he lives though..”  
“Here,” Aida pulled out a piece of paper with an address on it, “I convinced the school to give me his address. Assuming it’s correct and up to date, this should be where he lives.”  
Kagami nodded and turned to head back to practice.  
“Wait, Kagami.”  
“Huh? Is there something else?”  
“Uhm…I know it might sound strange…but do you think you could go now?”  
“You mean actually leave practice early?!” He raised his voice in surprise and Aida quickly shushed him.  
“I just have a really bad feeling…call it womens intuition if you will.”  
It was strange to leave practice early and even stranger for Riko to be the one to suggest it, but Kagami agreed and headed towards the locker room to change and head out.


	2. The Attempt

The red head stood in front of the apartment door on the second floor that matched the information of the piece of paper from Riko. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. There was no answer. After a couple of minutes, he knocked again. Silence. A feeling of dread rose in his mind at the thought of what Riko had said. What if…..He shook his head. He couldn’t think about that. After knocking once more without a response, he wrapped his hand around the door knob to see if it was unlocked. To his surprise, and relief given the situation, it was unlocked. He pushed the door open enough for him to slide into a dark room. The only light leaked in through the gaps in the curtains over the window. Kagami moved his hand along the wall till he found the light switch and flicked it on. Looking around the room, he noticed there wasn’t much furniture and almost no personal items. More importantly though, there was no Kuroko. Cautiously, he made his way over to the kitchen which was separated from the living room by a half wall. It didn’t look very used and again, there was no Kuroko. Perhaps he was out somewhere, but Kagami couldn’t leave till he checked everything. He made his way to the first door and opened it. There was a small dresser and a futon in the corner, but nothing else and no Kuroko. Kagami could feel his heart pounding and what might have been fear as he opened the door across from the previous one. There was a futon, a dresser, and more personal items in this room than any other, but again, no Kuroko. There was only one door left. If he was lucky, it would be just as cold and empty as the rest of the apartment. He paused, trying to work up the courage, before slowly opening the door a few inches. He thought he saw the blue hair and opened the door the rest of the way only to be momentarily paralyzed from shock.  
“K….K…K…Kur…Kuroko….” His voice shook along with the rest of his body. Tightly, he shut his eyes and reopened them hoping he had been imagining things, but to his dismay, the scene was the same. The bathtub was full of red water and a small boy with blue hair.  
After what seemed like an hour, but what probably only a minute or two, the red head forced his limbs to move to the tub. He bent down and plunged his hands into the bloody water to wrap them around Kuroko and lift him out, flinching when he realized how cold the body was and how littered the boys arms were with bloody lines, although most had somehow stopped bleeding by now. Grabbing a near by towel and wrapping it around his friend he pulled out his phone and quickly dialed the emergency number.  
“Hello, this is the emergency call center. How may I help you?”  
“U..uh…I need an ambulance….m…my friend..h..he’s hurt really bad and he’s lost a lot of b…..blood.”  
“Sir, where are you right now?”  
Kagami responded with the address.  
“Alright, an ambulance is on its way. Does your friend have a pulse?”  
Kagami placed his fingers on Kurokos neck and waited. “I…I think so….barely….”  
“Good. You said your friend lost a lot of blood. Is he still bleeding?”  
“N…..no…not much…maybe a bit…I don’t…I don’t know..”  
“Okay sir. Please try to remain calm. The ambulance is almost there. Press down on any wounds that look like they might be bleeding.”  
“O…okay…”  
“The ambulance should be there now. I’m going to hang up, okay?”  
“k..” The call ended and Kagami heard footsteps. He hadn’t even heard the sirens in all his panic. Three paramedics rushed into the bathroom. One pulled Kagami away from his friend so they could place Kuroko on the stretcher. Kagami just followed helplessly to the ambulance and got on.  
Nothing felt real. It all felt like he was watching someone else, some stranger he didn’t know. He wished that was the case. He wanted it to all be a bad dream and he wanted to wake up.  
Kagami went as far in the hospital as he could before they told him he could go no farther. After staring at the double doors that now separated him and his shadow for several moments, he went to the waiting room. The first thing he needed to do was call coach. He pulled out his phone and dialed her number.  
“Kagami? Did you find him? Is he okay?”  
There was a moment of silence before Kagami could answer in a shaky voice. “H….he…..I…I f…found him….w….we just got to th….the h…hospital…It’s bad coach….it’s really really bad….”  
There was another moment of silence before Riko managed to reply. “Kagami…..what hospital are you at!”  
Kagami told her the hospital and she said she would hurry. With that the call ended.


	3. Waiting Rooms

After Kagami hung up, he decided he should call the GOM too. He wasn’t overly fond of them, but they were Kuroko’s friends and they deserved to know. They would kill him if they found out he didn’t call them anyway. He dialed Kise’s number.  
“Heeeellllooo Kagami! What’s up?” Came the overly cheerful voice over the phone.  
“Kuroko…..Kuroko is in the hospital….it’s…it’s really bad…”  
Kise stiffened. He was shocked by the news and maybe even more shocked by the fearful and exhausted tone of Kagamis voice. “I’ll call the others…we will be there soon.”  
The call ended.  
Kagami looked down at his phone in his hands thinking if there was anyone else he needed to call. Only then did he realize he was covered in blood…Kuroko’s blood. Tears started falling from his eyes and he made no attempt to stop them. Instead he covered his face with his hands and just cried.  
After some time passed (he wasn’t sure how long) he felt a small hand touch his shoulder and looked up to see Riko and the rest of Seirins team.  
“Are you okay?” She knew the answer, but it was the first thing she could think of to say. Kagami just shook his head.  
“How is Kuroko?” Hyuga sat down next to Kagami but didn’t look at him.  
“I…I don’t know…”  
“Is that his…” Izuki directed his gaze at the blood on Kagamis hands and shirts, “his…..blood?”  
The red head just nodded. Hyuga, forcing the bile that rose in his throat back down, pulled out a spare shirt from his bag and handed it to Kagami. “You should wash up and change. You can tell us what happened after that.”  
Kagami nodded, accepted the shirt, and headed to the bathroom. The other team members filled up the nearby seats and remained silent.  
A moment later, Aomine burst through the hospital door with Kise who was dragging his captain, Kasamatsu, along beside him. Midorima followed with a worn out Takao. “BAKAGAMI!!!!!” Aomine shouted before Riko could stop him. Seeing Seirin, he stalked over to where they were sitting and gave them a death glare. “Where the hell is Kagami and what happened to Kuroko?”  
“Kagami is in the restroom. He hasn’t had the chance to tell us what happened yet so we don’t know.” Hyuga stated calmly without ever raising his head to look at Aomine. Kise and Kasamatsu waved at Seirin and sat down. After a moment, Aomine sat down.  
Kagami appeared carrying his bloody shirt in his hand as if he wasn’t sure what it was or what to do with it. The three who just arrived saw the blood but, surprisingly, they didn’t demand an explanation. Kagami had managed to stop crying….mostly…but the evidence of his shed tears still remained. He sat down heavily and stared at the ground before mumbling. “Is anyone else coming?”  
“I called Murisakabaracchi and Akashicchi too. I don’t know when they will get here though.”  
Kagami nodded. He didn’t want Akashi showing up, since he blamed him for what was happening, but he didn’t have the energy to argue it. Suddenly, he didn’t have the energy to do much of anything. He was exhausted. Looking up, he gazed at everyone’s faces realizing they were waiting for an explanation. He looked back at the floor and tried to steady his shaky voice.  
“Are you going to tell us what happened or what Bakagami?” Aomine found himself impatient to know what was going on.  
Kagami took a deep breath as he recalled what he had found. “H…..he tried….he w…wa….he was bleeding…in…in the tub…he tried to kill himself…I think. There…There was a lot of blood. He was already p…passed out wh…when I found him….” The tears started rushing down his cheeks again.  
Several gasps could be heard and Kise buried his head in Kasamatsus shirt and was sobbing. Aomine got up, stared at nothing as the shock sunk in before assaulting the wall with punch after punch. Midorima stared at Kagami as if the red head had suddenly grown a second head. Hyuga wrung his hands but remained staring at the floor. Riko tried to stay calm, but broke after less than a minute and began crying while Izuki tried and Kiyoshi tried to calm her down despite their own tears. The rest of Seirin was either crying or frozen.  
“Is someone here for Kuroko, Kuroko Tetsuya?” A doctor who had just entered the waiting room called causing everyone to look up.  
“Y..yes.” Riko stood up as the doctor approached.  
“Hello, I’m Dr. Furuori. And who are you?”  
“His coach, Riko. What’s his condition?”  
“I’m sorry, I can’t disclose that to you miss.”  
Riko nodded and pulled out a folder from her bag. She removed a piece of paper and handed it to the doctor who looked over it thoroughly. The paper was the waiver each member signed to have medical information released to the coach (in case something happened during a game or practice). Doctor Furuori nodded.  
“Come with me then.”  
“It’s fine to talk here. They,” she gestured to Seirin and the others, “will know soon enough anyway. Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really proofread this so hopefully it's okay!


	4. Broken

Dr. Furuori took a seat and scanned the chart he was holding. “The patient lost a lot of blood and required a blood transfusion. His heart stopped once during treatment but he was revived quickly so it shouldn’t cause any problems. Some of cuts required multiple stitches. He is also showing signs of being severely malnourished including a low body weight. He is also being treated for dehydration and hypothermia.” The doctor paused to let the information sink in. “He will be moved to the ICU once he is more stable and placed under suicide watch. Physically, there isn’t too much to worry about besides the low body weight, which could be associated with other serious conditions, and the risk of infection due to a weakened immune system. Mentally though….” The doctors voice trailed off. 

 

“When can we see him?” Riko asked the question on everyones mind. 

 

“Once he is stable. All visitors will be required to remove all dangerous objects from their person before entering the room and may be subject to a pat down though.”

 

Riko nodded and thanked the doctor. He handed her some forms and asked if the group could fill it out to the best of their ability. Riko handed the forms to the members of the GOM since they probably knew more of the information. Before the doctor turned to leave, he asked if there was any way to contact the patients parents. 

 

“His father works overseas and often doesn’t have access to things like phones and stuff….that’s what Tetsu told me. He never mentioned a mother…” Aomine took the forms from Riko and was looking over them. The doctor nodded and walked away. 

 

Everyone felt a bit better knowing Kuroko was mostly out of danger…..for now. Riko insisted the rest of the team go home and come back tomorrow since it was unlikely they could visit that night. Kagami refused. Hyuga insisted on remaining as well. He didn’t want to leave his kouhai alone…especially when Akashi showed up. He was well aware who Kagami blamed for this mess, other than himself of course. They all blamed themselves though. 

 

Seirin, minus their ace and captain, left. Kasamatsu attempted to leave too, but Kise refused to let go of him, so the man resigned himself to remain with his teammate. 

 

About twenty minutes later a shorter red haired man, with a glare that could probably kill someone, and a giant purple haired man entered the building. Spotting the other GOM’s, the two newcomers made their way over. 

 

“Aomine!” The short red head spoke with an authorative tone. 

 

“Hai..” Was the reply.

 

“Akashicchi! What took so long!?” Kise remarked. The red head Akashi sighed and ignored Kise.

 

“How is Tetsuya-kun?” 

 

“He will live…” Aomine said under his breath.

 

Kagami looked up with fire in his eyes. He grabbed Akashi by the collar of his shirt, surprised not to be attacked by scissors, but too angry to care. He had intended to stay calm, but seeing Akashi’s face was too much and his exhausted mind couldn’t control the anger anymore. “DAMN YOU AKASHI! IT SHOULD BE YOU IN THAT HOSPITAL BED! THIS IS YOUR FAULT AFTER ALL!”

 

The other’s leapt to break the two apart afraid of what Akashi would do. To everyone’s surprise, he grabbed a chair and slumped down in it looking no less worn out that the rest of them….maybe more. “I know.”

 

Aomine, Kise, and Midorima couldn’t believe their ears. Murisakibara, the purple haired teen who arrived with Akashi put the snacks down that he had been munching on since he arrived. Akashi looked defeated; a look they never thought they would live to see on their ex-captain.. Their shock only grew when they saw tears spilling out of his eyes. 

 

“Oi! Akashi! Wha….” Aomine wasn’t really sure how to react to this.

 

“It’s a bit late to be crying now damnit!” Kagami wasn’t about to go easy on the man. Midorima and Aomine kept a firm grip on him to keep him from attacking Akashi. “You’re the one Kuroko couldn’t beat. You’re the one he couldn’t fix. All he wanted was to help you. Then you turn around and tell him he has been replaced by a better model! You don’t get to cry damn it! Do you even care? All this time….” The tears started pouring from the taller red heads eyes as well. “Damn it! Why did you even come…..You’ll just upset him….you’ll just remind him that he failed…..” He sat back down and buried his head in his hands. 

 

Aomine and Kise just stared. Both red heads were crying now, a rather odd sight. In a different situation, it might have been funny. But it wasn’t funny right now. 

 

Akashi felt like he might just crumble. He knew Kagami was right….or at least half right. He was right on the part that mattered and it stung. Tetsuya was in the hospital for a failed suicide attempt because he Akashi pushed him too far and Tetsuya broke. He would give anything to put the pieces back together, but even the strongest glue couldn’t hide the cracks. 

 

“Tetsuya….Tetsuya didn’t fail…..He didn’t fail me…he didn’t fail anyone.”

 

Everyone looked at Akashi unsure of what to say. He was so out of character and now he wasn’t even making sense!

 

“What are you talking about?” Kagami growled.

 

“Rakuzan won the game….but I lost. I just didn’t realize it until later…not until a few days after…b…but I never told Tetsuya. I was ashamed…..ashamed for what I had done to him….ashamed for what the other me had done….it snapped me back to my senses I guess. But…I guess….he didn’t know…I wanted to tell him….but I didn’t….I was the one who failed him Kagami….and all this time…all this happened…”

 

“OF COURSE HE DIDN’T KNOW! How was he supposed to know if you didn’t tell him.” Kagami wanted to hit the other red head but found he didn’t even have the strength to anymore. He was almost feeling sorry for Akashi anyway, although he would never admit it. This Akashi was as cold-hearted, but Kagami couldn’t just forgive him either. The group was completely silent, minus some sniffling and sighs.

 

Finally Aomine stood up with an exasperated sigh and started kicking the wall. There wasn’t any force behind it. He just needed to move. Kise was nodding off on Kasamatsu’s shoulder, who was feeling awkward and out of place. Midorima’s face was about as readable as Kuroko’s was, meaning it wasn’t readable at all. At some point, Takao had snuck out. Murasakibara only snacked half-heartedly while staring at something probably only he could see. 

 

Nothing much changed over the next few hours. None of them felt like they could leave. No one had the energy to talk either. One by one, they dozed off until only Akashi was awake.

He made his way outside and began making several calls to some unhappy connections. He took care of making some arrangements to help his former teammate. His father was powerful and had many connections. All Akashi could do was try to make Kuroko comfortable and make it so his friends could stay with him. 

He walked back inside and slumped back into the chair falling asleep within minutes.


	5. Waking Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how I feel about this chapter...let me know what you think please!

Akashi awoke to a nurse gently patting his shoulder. As his eyes slowly opened, he could see her doing the same to the rest of the group. Once everyone was more or less awake, she suggested they go to the cafeteria and get some food. Akashi thanked her, both for letting them stay the night (not that he had given the hospital much of a choice….) and for waking them. She simply smiled and walked away.

“Akashi saying thank you…are pigs flying yet?” Aomine groggily eyed Akashi. Akashi intended to give him an icy glare but found his lips slightly curling into a smile instead. It wasn’t even a ‘I’m going to kill you smile.’ 

They all ate breakfast silently and Kise finally allowed Kasamatsu to leave. The captain promised to come back later if Kise wanted. Kagami told Hyuga to go home too, but the older male refused. 

Kagami, Hyuga, and the generation of miracles filed back into the waiting room where they were met by Dr. Furuori. 

“I thought you all would like to know its okay for you to visit your friend now. He is awake, although he is heavily sedated. Would you like me to take you to his room?”

“Please.” Akashi answered. The doctor led them through the double doors and down a long white hallway. Without Kasamatsu to cling to, Kise was now clinging to Aomines arm. Midorima looked a bit uncomfortable since he hadn’t had a chance to check his lucky item. Murisakibara hadn’t bothered to grab any snacks and fidgeted with his fingers instead. Kagami and Akashi walked side by side. Kagami hadn’t forgiven the shorter red head yet, but what he had seen the night before was making him feel a bit uneasy. Hyuga stayed right behind….just in case Kagami decided to take matters into his own hands. 

Kagami didn’t appear angry at all. If anything, he was afraid. They were now in front of the door to Kuroko’s room. Shocking and confusing Seirins captain, Kagami grasped Hyugas hand. Hyuga accepted. The door was opened and they all walked in. 

A thin body resembling their friend lay in the hospital bed with various tubes and wires sticking out. The heart monitor provided a steady beat, the only sound besides the oxygen mask and hum of other machines. The group stood there for a moment unable to move. Even though Kagami had seen Kuroko only the day before, he had been too preoccupied to really look. The hospital attire didn’t hide much of anything and the small boy was dwarfed by the large bed making him look paler and displaying his starved body. He had to swallow the bile back down that kept rising in the back of his throat. He wasn’t alone. 

It felt like they stood there for hours. Frozen. Paralyzed by the realization of their own failures. Looking now, none of them understood how they could have been so blind to what had been in front of their eyes for the past few months. 

It was Akashi who moved first. His whole body was shaking uncharacteristically. Carefully, afraid he might injure the blue haired boy further; he grasped the thin hand on the bed sheet. Kuroko’s eyes fluttered open. 

“T….Tetsuya…..Tetsuya-kun…..” The red heads voice cracked.

“A….Ak….” Akashi cut Kuroko off before he could finish.

“Don’t try to speak.”

Kagami appeared on the other side of the bed and grasped Kuroko’s hand. 

“H…hey Kuroko…” He forced a smile. Kuroko looked to have attempted to smile back. Kagami stroked the blue hair trying not to cry. The others had made their way to stand around the bed placing their hand on their friend’s body to let him know they were there. They tried to smile.

“I wanted to disappear….” It was barely a whisper, but they heard the last words Kuroko mumbled before giving in to the medicine and falling back asleep.  
They just stared. It felt so surreal. They had broken their phantom, but he might be beyond repair. 

Riko and the other members of Seirin came to visit throughout the day. Momoi had somehow found out and showed up. Hyuga finally went home. 

Akashi had arranged for rooms at the hotel across the street from the hospital. He called each of their schools and basketball captains to inform them that the GOM and Kagami would be absent for a little while. Due to his father’s power and his own, no one argued. Kagami was shocked that Akashi would help him too, and more shocked at just how much the red haired brat could get away with. He wasn’t going to complain though. 

It was a good thing they had made the arrangements. One of the wounds showed signs of infection on the second day. When Kuroko finally woke up and was actually cohearent, it had been almost five days. 

“W……wa…wat….” Kuroko’s voice came out raspy. 

Kagami who was closest to Kuroko at the moment jumped up. “Kuroko! You’re awake! How do you feel?”

“wa…..wa….t…r” 

“Huh?”

“He needs water Bakagami!” Aomine shoved Kagami aside. He lifted Kuroko’s head and put a cup of water to his lips. Kagami, finally catching on, grabbed some tissues to soak up the water that didn’t make it in to the boys mouth.  
\- - - - - - - - -  
(At the same time)

Akashi was sitting in Dr. Furuori’s office. Among the arangements he had made the other day, he had informed the doctors that they were to report to him about Kuroko’s condition and he would be more or less acting as his guardian. Technically, he was still a minor himself, but that was just how powerful the Akashi family was and he had decided he was going to do everything he could to fix what he helped break. 

So, here he was, in Dr. Furuori’s office trying to keep his calm as he listened to the doctor’s news. 

“We have conducted several tests and concluded that there are no underlying physical causes for Kuroko Tetsuya’s weight loss. Presumably, he is starving himself, possibly as another way of harming himself like the cutting. I’m sure you can tell it’s gotten rather severe. With the infection going away, he can be discharged in a few days….it would be best to get in contact with a relative of his, but I understand that isn’t possible at the moment. He can’t be sent home alone though. It would probably be best to place him in a mental institution. He is simply a danger to himself. He has made it clear that he is still suicidal.”

He hated the words coming out of the doctor’s mouth. Send Tetsuya-kun to a mental hospital!? 

“NO!” He managed to just barely keep a hold on his composure. “He won’t be going home alone sir. The Akashi family will temporarily look after him.” 

“He needs help…from a professional.” The doctor tried to argue. He knew if the Akashi family insisted on taking the boy, resistance was futile, but he still had to try. His try  
rewarded him with a murderous glare from the high school boy. This was not a battler he could win.

Akashi was serious. He wouldn’t abandon Tetsuya again. 

The red head left and returned to Kuroko’s room.


	6. Suicide Watch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments on the previous chapter! They made my day, so I decided to go ahead and write the next chapter.  
> This chapter is effectively removing Mirisakibara from the story. I can't write him and I have no desire to. So yeah. I won't keep making excuses for why he doesn't show up. He lives far away and isn't powerful like Akashi so that's his excuse for everything. Sorry.
> 
> Sorry if Akashi is OOC...

Akashi had just slipped in the door as Kagami was finishing wiping up the spilled water. Everyone looked up at the sound of the door closing. Kagami quickly excused himself deciding he would give the others some time alone after seeing the Rakuzan captains face. Cautiously and slowly, Akashi moved towards the boy in the bed. Unsure of how Kuroko would react to seeing him, he didn’t want to frighten him.

“Ak….” The blue haired boy coughed. “Akashi….”

Akashi was at the side of the bed now and looking into Kuroko’s blue eyes. Kuroko’s hand clumsily fished around for Akashi’s hand before establishing a weak grip on it. Aomine already held his other hand. A few tears rolled down Kuroko’s cheek as he rested his eyes.

“I….I’m s…so…sorr…y.” It was a barely a whisper. Akashi shook his head as the others showed they clearly wanted to protest as well. Akashi bent down and hugged Kuroko gently…hating that he could feel the boys spine and ribs through the thin gown easily.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Tetsuya. I’m sorry. We are all sorry. Please forgive us.” Akashi knew he had no right to ask for forgiveness and he didn’t deserve it, but was still relieved when he felt Kuroko’s head nod. He unwrapped the boy from his arms and laid him back down gently, noticing how the small body trembled.

“Are you cold?”

Kuroko nodded. Akashi took his coat off and placed it on top of his friend, careful not to disturb the tubes and wires.

“Is it okay if I sit on the bed with you?” Akashi asked. Normally he would just give orders and absolutes, but right now he didn’t want to upset Kuroko. To his relief, Kuroko nodded. Akashi gently shifted him over and climbed on to the bed. Akashi wasn’t very big himself, so there was plenty of room for both of them. Kise decided to hop onto the end of the bed near Kuroko’s feet. Murasakibara and Midorima sat in the chairs on the empty side of Kuroko.

“If we are all close together you won’t feel so cold right Kurokocchi!?”

Kuroko nodded to Kise feeling warmer than he had in quite a while and was thankful. Without a second thought, he rested his head against Akashi’s side before closing his eyes and drifting back to sleep. He wasn’t sure how, but he was grateful that Akashi seemed to be more like his old self again. It didn’t make him less of a failure, but whatever or whoever accomplished the task of bringing Akashi back, he would have to thank later.

 

The next day, the doctor reluctantly released Kuroko from the hospital. Midorima helped Kuroko change into some regular clothes Akashi had brought (since they were closest in height) fighting against the tears that threatened to spill over at seeing his ex-teammates body. He wasn’t as close to Kuroko as some of the others so he figured it wouldn’t be as hard for him to see. It still hurt. It took some time to finish since the blue haired boy wouldn’t move. He just stared out the window allowing Midorima to move him around like a doll.

Akashi was listening to the doctor and Tetsuyas psychiatrist explain important information he would need to know to take care of Kuroko. He wasn’t going to put Kuroko in a mental hospital. He wasn’t going to abandon his friend again…he wouldn’t abandon the one he had come to love.

By noon, Kuroko had been discharged and he, Akashi, Midorima, and Aomine were in one of Akashi’s limos on the way to the red haired teens home on the edge of Tokyo (His family had houses in several cities). Aomine and Midorima sat on either side to help keep Kuroko steady and keep him warm as well. Akashi had noticed it didn’t take much for Kuroko’s skin to get cold and his small body to begin shivering. Keeping a warm body next to the smaller boy seemed to work better that tons of blankets. Akashi had already made a mental note to buy a heated blanket.  
\- - - - - -

 

Compared to his family’s other homes, the one in Tokyo was small, luckily. Akashi had spent the previous nights with the help of some of the other GOM’s in an attempt to make the place as safe as possible. Medication and knives had been locked up. Reluctantly, Akashi put his scissors in a locked cabinet as well. They felt like they were saying they didn’t trust Tetsuya and that hurt. Still, it had to be done.

Once they arrived, the butler opened the door and Akashi carried Kuroko into the house followed by the other two and the butler. After getting the smaller boy comfortable in a bed, Akashi left a maid to watch him and the three GOM’s went about fixing food and making plans for how to help their ex-teammate. They worked out a schedule for Midorima, Kise, and Aomine to visit and help out. All of them would have gladly dropped everything else in their life to stay by Kuroko’s side all day since his life was more important than school or anything else they could think of, but they knew they couldn’t do that and Kuroko would be mad if they did. Unlike Kise, Midorima, and Aomine, Murasakibara didn’t go to school in Tokyo so he wouldn’t be able to visit very often. He had already gone back home earlier that day. Rakuzan, Akashi’s school wasn’t in Tokyo either, but he would stay as much as possible. He could get away with such.

Kise had a photo shoot earlier that day so he didn’t arrive at the house until evening. They all ate dinner together and talked like old times. It felt nostalgic and comforting.

Afterwards, they decided to take some soup broth to Kuroko. The doctor had said not to give him solids yet.

Knock knock.

“I’m coming in Tetsuya.” Akashi opened the door and the four teens walked in with a tray of soup. Akashi dismissed the maid on watch and brought the tray over to the bed.

“Tetsuya, wake up.” Akashi shook the blue haired teens shoulder lightly until blue eyes stared at him. “We brought your dinner.”

Aomine and Midorima adjusted the pillows and helped Kuroko sit up. Kise placed the tray on Kuroko’s lap. Several minutes passed and Kuroko didn’t move. He didn’t even look at the food.

“uh…oi..do ya need help?” Aomine asked awkwardly. His answer was silence.

“You need to eat Tetsuya.” Akashi’s tone was gentle but authoritative. The doctor had warned him that meal times might be difficult, but he hoped Tetsuya would just obey. He felt  
his heart tighten when Tetsuya shook his head.

“Come on Tetsu, Just a few spoonful’s...” Aomine pleaded.

“I’ll feed you Kurokocchi.” Kise offered and picked up a spoonful of broth. Tetsuya didn’t open his mouth. His eyes glazed over and it looks as though he was seeing right past all of them.

“At least drink the tea.” Aomine held the tea to his friends lips. To his relief, Kuroko took a few sips. Akashi put the tray on the side table and decided to admit defeat for tonight.  
It had been a long day. They took turns preparing for bed and then laid out futons in the overly large bedroom. Akashi declared he would sleep on the bed with Kuroko and keep him warm. No one dared to object.

After turning off the lights, the red head pulled back the blankets on the bed and climbed in. He pulled his small friend close, somewhat surprised at how cold Kuroko’s skin felt, and held him tight.


	7. Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is super short! I just felt like it needed to end at the spot I ended it at. 
> 
> WARNING: There is a slightly detailed description of purging in this chapter. If that triggers you then please do not read.  
> I do NOT condone eating disorders or self-harm. I can tell you from personal experience, it's not something you want to get involved in.

It was still dark outside. He looked at the clock which read 1:36 A.M. in bright green. Akashi wasn’t sure why he was awake at such an odd hour. Something wasn’t right though. 

“Tetsuya?” He whispered suddenly realizing he had been in bed with Kuroko and now Kuroko wasn’t there. He bolted up and called out Kuroko’s name a little louder.

“Shudup.” Aomine growled half asleep.

“Daiki, Tetsuya isn’t here!” That got Aomines attention and he sat up suddenly awake. The two teens looked around until they noticed the light seeping under the bathroom door. 

“He’s just in the bathroom Akashi…quit freaking out.” Aomine was about to go back to sleep when they heard a faint coughing noise. The red head jumped out of bed and went to the door. 

“Tetsuya, is everything okay?” He asked. There was no reply. Aomine had followed him and began banging on the door, which woke Kise and Midorima.

“Oi, Tetsu, answer us!” No answer. 

“What’s going on Aominecchi?” Kise and Midorima were now up too. Aomine ignored Kise and tried to turn the door knob as he felt a sickening feeling invade his stomach. Something was wrong. 

“It’s locked…” 

“Break it down!” Akashi ordered. Aomine was about to protest, but seeing the look in Akashi’s eyes, he thought better of it. 

“We’re coming in Tetsu!” And with that, he slammed his body into the door forcing it down. 

Adjusting their eyes to the light, the four teens looked down at their smaller friend and horror filled their faces. Kuroko was sitting by the toilet shaking uncontrollably. What was probably vomit, covered his fingers. Since Kuroko hadn’t eaten anything, it was just tea and body fluids from the looks of it. A few strands of red suggested blood. The sight was an awful one, but what shocked them the most was when Kuroko didn’t even look up at them. Instead, ignoring their presence as if they didn’t exist, he shoved his fingers down his throat again. 

“What the hell Tetsu!” Aomine slapped Kuroko. “Do you have some sort of death wish!!” Aomine immediately regretted the words the moment they escaped his lips. ‘Of course  
Tetsu has a death wish’ he thought, ‘That’s why we’re all here..’ He could feel the stares of the others on his back. 

“A…aom…..” Kuroko stared as if he just realized he wasn’t alone anymore. His body started to sway and then he fell over landing in Aomines lap. He continued to shake and coughed several times.

“Oi..” The navy haired teen gently shook Kuroko’s shoulder. “Tetsu…”

In the background Kise was sobbing and Midorima was trying to calm him down without much luck. Akashi wet a cloth, crouched down in front of the two blue haired boys, and began wiping Kuroko’s face and fingers.

“Akashi….” Aomine looked at Akashi. “Why…” He couldn’t finish due to a lump rising in his throat.

Akashi just shook his head. He didn’t know the answer and that annoyed him. He always had answers, but right now, he didn’t. 

“I need to be smaller…I need to disappear…to be smaller….” Everyone froze as they heard the raspy voice that was barely a whisper escape Kuroko’s lips before his body went limp. 

“Kurokocchi…… I don’t want you to disappear!” Kise began sobbing even more. 

“Kuroko….”

“Tetsu….”

“Daiki, take Tetsuya back to bed and stay with him. Shintaro, clean up this mess,” Akashi gestured at the bathroom. “Ryota, stop crying. You are giving me a head ache. Just go back to bed.”

“What are you going to do Akashicchi?” Kise asked through his sniffles as he tried to follow orders. 

“I have to make some calls.” With that, Akashi left the rooms and the others proceeded to do as they had been told. 

 

\--

 

After leaving the rooms, Akashi went to his study and sat down. First, he called the doctor and explained the situation then asked if there was anything they needed to do. The doctor, knowing better than to suggest sending Kuroko to a mental hospital, told Akashi that Kuroko should be okay, but if anything else happened, he should bring Kuroko back to the hospital. 

Then Akashi called for his butler. 

“Yes Akashi-san.” The butler appeared moments later.

“I want the locks removed from all interior doors before the sun rises!”

The butler seemed surprised and was about to ask why, but thought better of it. He wasn’t in a rush to lose his life. Instead, he bowed and hurried out of the room to carry out the  
order. 

Once he was alone, Akashi cried. It was a quiet sob. He didn’t want anyone to hear the great Akashi cry, although he wasn’t feeling so great at the moment. He couldn’t even  
protect his friend, the one he loved. He kept hearing the words Kuroko had uttered in his head on repeat like a broken record. 

“Damn it Tetsuya….Damn it, damn it, damn it!” He sobbed as he pounded his fist on the desk. “DAMN IT!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kinda hard to write.


	8. Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter so far. Comments are greatly appreciated!!  
> Hope everyone had a great holiday!

After returning from his office the previous night, he hadn't gotten any sleep. None of them had. They were all too afraid to fall asleep thinking that they might wake up to a dead Kuroko. Instead they had sat around and on the bed drinking tea and watching Kuroko sleep while talking in quiet whispers until dawn had approached. Then Midorima, Kise, and Aomine had reluctantly left for school upon Akashi's insistence. Akashi had remained in the bed with Kuroko watching the small boys frame continue to shake. It was an hour after the others had left when Kuroko's dull blue eyes stared up at Akashi's fiery red ones.

"Good morning Tetsuya."

Kuroko didn't respond. Akashi got up, stretched his stiff limbs, and wandered towards a dresser on the other side of the room.

"I'm getting you some clothes to change into. I'll help you put them on okay. Go ahead and remove what you have on."

Kuroko still didn't respond and he didn't move. He just stared without really seeing anything. Akashi brought the clothes over to the bed and gently began removing Kuroko's clothes. Kuroko didn't protest. Akashi didn't want to see. He didn't want to see what Tetsuya, what his Tetsuya, had become. Unfortunately, Kuroko showed no signs of dressing himself so Akashi had no choice. As the shirt was removed, he noticed every rib that stood out painfully defined on the small boys torso. Some scars from cutting were scattered about, although most were on his arms. Sliding off Kuroko's pants revealed hipbones jutting out with red lines. Legs that used to have a good bit of muscle on them had withered to little more than skin and bone, much like the rest of the malnourished body. Akashi wanted to be sick and had to swallow the bile that rose in the back of his throat. Quickly he put Kuroko's new set of clothes on.

"A….Akashi…..kun" Akashi was startled out of his thoughts. A small cold hand was brushing his cheek and he realized he had been crying. Embarrassed, he turned away and went into the bathroom to change his own clothes. Kuroko looked after him confused but didn't say anything more.

When Akashi returned, Kuroko was sitting on the bed with his knees pulled to his chest and a distant look on his face.

"Come with me Tetsuya." Akashi ordered. He held out his arm and let Kuroko cling to it as he tried to steady his legs. They shook, weak, and threatened to give out, but they didn't. Grimacing after bearing witness to Kuroko's struggle, Akashi slowly led the frail boy out of the room. Kuroko clung to his arm weakly, but with a certain desperation.

"W…where are we going?"

"The dining room. Breakfast should be waiting." Akashi sighed when he felt the smaller boy stop. Looking at Kuroko, he noted the fear in his eyes. "You are going to eat Tetsuya." Tears began to well up in the blue eyes as the smaller boy gripped Akashi's arm tighter in terror. Akashi ignored it and all but dragged the protesting blue haired boy into a large dining room. He peeled Kuroko's grip from his arm and set him down in one of the chairs before sitting down in his own.

It was a heart breaking sight. Kuroko pulled his knees to his chest, trembling with wide eyes. Tears were spilling from blue eyes filled with terror as if he was watching someone beat his puppy to death, not looking at a bowl of porridge. How could food be that terrifying? Akashi looked away and focused on his own food hoping that maybe Kuroko would follow his example if he just started eating.

Unfortunately, when he looked back at Kuroko a few minutes later, not much had changed. Kuroko was still staring at the porridge with wide eyes akin to that of a frightened animal. A very starved and tired looking frightened animal, Akashi corrected himself.

"Tetsuya.." He tried to fight his annoyance from invading his voice. "We aren't leaving this table until you eat something."

Kuroko's face seemed to become a shade paler, if that was actually possible, but made no attempt to touch the food. Kuroko knew Akashi was serious. Both of them were stubborn though. It was a test to see who could hold out the longest.

Two hours later, the two boys were still sitting at the table. Every inch of Kuroko's body seemed to be screaming from stiffness and soreness, as his position wasn't very comfortable and his energy was depleting far too quickly. His mental stubbornness could likely rival Akashi's easily and perhaps even win, but his physical state was too far weakened to be any sort of a match.

"Why?" Kuroko's voice was barely a whisper. It was tinted with frustration, but otherwise bland.

"Hmm?"

"Why do you care?"

Akashi stared at the other boy thoughtfully, trying to decide how to respond. Kuroko continued, raising his voice, before Akashi had made a decision.

"WHY DO YOU CARE!? I'M WORTHLESS….I'm nothing…I failed…I need to disappear..just…just let me disappear…..JUST LET ME DIE! Please…" Kuroko lowered his head onto his knees, banging it repetitively against his knee cap, and was crying again, digging his nails into the skin of his upper arms. Akashi could only stare, shocked at the outburst, while Kuroko continues to ramble. "Let me die…please…..please….please…let me die…let me disappear…please. You don't need me anymore anyway…..you never did…no one did...because….because I am nothing…"

Finally, Akashi snapped out of it. Moving from his chair to stand beside Kuroko, he lifted a spoonful of porridge to his own mouth, set the spoon back down, jerked Kuroko's head up to face him, leaned down, and settled into a kiss. Before Kuroko could push away or close his mouth, Akashi forced the food from his own mouth into the smaller boys mouth and kept their lips pressed together until Kuroko swallowed. He pulled away and Kuroko just stared at him with the same wide eyes as before, but this time they were filled with confusion.

"I won't let you die Tetsuya. I absolutely refuse. You are mine."

Neither moved. Kuroko's face was drowning in another wave of tears, but they were silent. A moment of awkwardness dragged on until Akashi pulled Kuroko close, rubbing soothing circles onto his back.

"Please….just eat a few bites…" The two had been sitting there for several minutes and Kuroko's tears seemed to be lessening so he decided to try again. He felt Kuroko stiffen and shake his head. At this point, Akashi was about to lose his composure which wouldn't help the situation. "Fine, but don't you dare try to get rid of what I already gave you." He blushed a bit thankful the Kuroko couldn't see his face. He was even more thankful when he felt Kuroko nod ever so slightly in agreement. One bite was hardly enough to keep Tetsuya alive, but it was a start if he was willing to keep it down. According to the doctor, he probably hadn't kept anything down in weeks. So even one small spoonful, as small and seemingly insignificant as it was, felt like an accomplishment. Baby steps, Akashi reminded himself, baby steps.

"Lets get you cleaned up in the bath eh? Then you can rest some more okay?" A bath seemed like a good idea, although he was a bit nervous knowing he would have to help the blue haired boy bathe. Without waiting for Kuroko's answer, Akashi picked him up gently and carried him into the bathroom attached to the large bedroom they had slept in the night before.

It was a somewhat difficult task to bathe Kuroko, and not just because of the awkwardness. Kuroko was too tired from the long ordeal previously to hold himself up very long and Akashi was constantly afraid of scrubbing to hard or using too much force. Due to his condition, Kuroko bruised easier than normal and Akashi didn't want to harm him. Akashi also found he wasn't very good other peoples hair. Despite his best efforts, the soap ran into Kurokos eyes multiple times.

Somehow, Kuroko's eyes survived and Akashi dressed him into warm clothing before carrying him to the bed. Once Kuroko was on the bed in a comfortable position, Akashi tucked him under the blankets. Then, grabbing a book from the side table, he settled in next to Kuroko to wait out the rest of the afternoon.

'This is nice' Akashi thought, stealing a peek at the blue haired boy who had almost instantly fallen asleep. Akashi smiled and stroked the blue hair. Things felt peaceful. His heart ached though when he thought back to one of the conversations he had with Dr. Furuori, because although Akashi was typically strong and composed and seemed to know nothing of fear, Akashi was terrified. If he couldn't get Tetsuya to change….it would only be a matter of months, if even, before their phantom player became a true ghost. He couldn't stand the idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, this was my attempt to start getting them a bit uh....closer to each other?


	9. How To Help

“Oi, Akashi. Your butler let me in.”

“Tetsuya’s asleep.” Akashi placed his book down and strode over to meet Aomine who was standing at the door to the bedroom.

“Did he eat?”

“Only one bite….”

“That’s not good enough is it?”

“It hasn’t even been a full two days.” Akashi spared a glance back at the bed to make sure Tetsuya was still asleep before sliding into the hallway and closing the door behind him.

“Yeah but…” Aomine began to protest a bit louder once the door was shut. “I’m scared…” It came out in the tiniest whisper and Akashi almost didn’t hear it. The red head decided to pretend he didn’t.

“It’s your turn to watch him. I will be in my study. If anything happens, have one of the staff fetch me.” Akashi started down the long hall. He paused after getting about halfway. 

“I’ll have the maid bring Tetsuya some broth for dinner, but just leave it on the table. Don’t try to force him to eat.”

“Why?”

“It’s only the second night. I’ll see you in the morning.” With a heavy sigh, Akashi continued his retreat down the hall leaving Aomine to ponder his former captains strange behavior before slipping into the bedroom. 

Aomine pulled his school books from his back pack and settled down to study. He figured he might as well get some school work done. 

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, although Kuroko didn’t touch his dinner. Akashi returned at bedtime and slept with Kuroko while Aomine took a couch in the room. 

The next several days continued similarly. Akashi stayed with Kuroko during the day and Aomine, Midorima, or Kise would come after school or practice to watch him until bedtime and stay the night. It was uneventful for the most part. Uneventful, but not good. Kuroko only ate once more during those four days and he managed to throw it up. He just waited for Midorima who was watching him to look away and then he stuck his fingers down his throat right where he was before anyone could stop him. It wasn’t Midorimas fault. 

On the fifth day, Saturday, the four GOM’s were gathered in Akashi’s living room. Their faces were grim and they had the look of someone who has been defeated, an unusual thing for them, but almost ironic that Kuroko would be the cause again. 

“Maybe we should send him to a mental hospital after all.” Kise broke the silence.

“You might as well stab him to death yourself.” Was Midorima’s cruel reply. Kise looked about to cry and sure enough, seconds later, he was crying. 

“How can you say that!!!” Aomine glared at Midorima.

“What do you think would happen if we sent him to a mental hospital?” Midorima questioned. It was Akashi who answered.

“He would probably kill himself in one way or another. Normal people don’t notice him, remember. He could slip past security, get a hold of dangerous items, etc. We are used to him so it’s harder for him to get past us, but people who aren’t used to him would be completely oblivious until it was too late.”

“But he won’t eat!” Kise protested through his tears.

“He probably wouldn’t eat there either since they would forget about him.” Aomine argued. 

“He’s dying! Shouldn’t we at least take him back to the hospital!? They could use a feeding tube or something…..” Kise said what none of them wanted to admit. Kuroko was dying and they seemed to be helpless.

“The doctor was against using the feeding tube, remember? He said it could be damaging mentally and make Kuroko even more suicidal. He said Kuroko needs to eat on his own.” Midorima reminded them of the doctors words. Doctor Furuori had refused to use a feeding tube. He had told them that eating had to be something Kuroko chose for himself. The feeding tube would likely strengthen Kuroko’s suicidal thoughts and actions and after hearing and understanding how invisible Kuroko could make himself, he said he couldn’t risk that. Kuroko was already suicidal but something seemed to be holding him back even if it was only slightly. However, if he got worse, that might not work anymore. Thinking of that, Midorima wanted to laugh…almost. Kuroko was killing himself anyway.

The reason they were sitting there talking about all of this was because Kuroko was killing himself. Things had taken a turn for the worse over the past four days. It had been predicted that Kuroko wouldn’t live much longer if he didn’t start eating soon, but it turned out that Kuroko’s body was weaker and less resistant than the doctor anticipated. Or maybe it was because Kuroko wasn’t willing to fight. Either way, his condition was worsening. Kuroko spent most of the day asleep and was too weak to get out of bed. It wasn’t a huge surprise since he could barely walk before, but now it was worse. Midorima suspect he was experiencing chest pain too after finding him clutching his chest with a pained expression on his face one afternoon. His skin was dry and his hair was falling out too. It didn’t take much to bruise him either. Some of these things had been present before, but now they were worse. 

Midorima was pulled from his thoughts when Akashi spoke up after everyone had been silent for several minutes, all lost in their own thoughts like Midorima.

“The hospital and feeding tube is an absolute last resort. We already broke him far too much. I’ll make him eat.”

“How?” Aomine wasn’t sure how Akashi was going to accomplish something he hadn’t accomplished so far. However, Akashi gave him a glare warning him against asking any further questions so Aomine dropped it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thanks to Aurora_Yang! Your comment helped me write part of this chapter!


	10. First Success

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard chapter to write and yet it was easy too. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Please let me know if you see any mistakes. Thank you!

“I’m going to go talk to Tetsu.” Akashi stood giving the other three a final look that said to not disturb him and left the room. Aomine, Kise, and Midorima decided to leave for a little while since it was clear Akashi didn’t want them around for whatever he was planning. Midorima headed for the library and Aomine and Kise went to a nearby basketball court to practice.

Akashi stepped into the large kitchen and ordered the cook to make a small bowl of porridge then sat down to wait. Once it was done, he headed to the bedroom. Slowly he opened the door and slipped into the room. He made his way over to the bed where Tetsuya was sleeping. Akashi had acquired a heated blanket for Tetsuya which was now covering the blue haired boy so he wasn’t shivering. 

“Tetsuya.” He shook the smaller boy awake, his voice uncharacteristically gentle and kind. Blue eyes stared up at him, dull and sleepy. “I brought food.”

At the mention of food, Tetsuya tensed up and looked away. Akashi sighed. 

“You will eat.” His voice was cold and fierce now with no room for negotiation. He grabbed Kuroko’s chin and forced the boy to look at him. “You can eat it willingly or I can force you.”

Kuroko tried to struggle but Akashi held him down. 

“What is your choice Tetsuya!” Kuroko ceased his struggle and stared at the red head, his face clearly displaying his fear. Akashi wouldn’t really force him right? 

“Well, Tetsuya? Choose?”

“I don’t want the fucking food!!!!!” Kuroko screamed. It startled Akashi for a moment. It wasn’t normal for Kuroko to scream or curse and he had just done both. Akashi gathered himself quickly though. 

“I don’t care Tetsuya! Now choose!” Perhaps it would be easier to just go ahead and force the food down Kuroko’s throat but he wanted to give some sort of choice, however it was taking all his effort to hold back. Had it been anyone else, he would have likely punched them and forced the whole bowl down their throat right now, but this was Tetsuya and he would not do that.

“NO! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! I DON’T WANT YOUR STUPID FOOD!” Kuroko was struggling again with tears streaming down his face. Akashi felt his blood boil. He could feel his anger starting to get the better of him.

“Too bad! I’m not leaving. You will eat!”

Kuroko was angry and terrified, but he couldn’t fight back anymore. His body refused to listen to his orders to fight. It didn’t have the energy or strength. All he could do was stare in terror and cry as Akashi gripped his jaw forcing his mouth to open and shoved a spoonful of porridge in his mouth. The red head quickly placed a hand over the blue heads mouth to keep Kuroko from spitting out the food. 

“SWALLOW TETSUYA!!” Tetsuya swallowed reluctantly. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Tears poured down his face and he could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate but he couldn’t control his breath.

“I can force another spoonful in your mouth or you can eat willingly. What do you choose?”

“Just stop….please..” Kuroko begged desperately. 

“I’m sorry Tetsuya, but I can’t stop.” Akashi wished he could stop though. This wasn’t something he wanted to do. He hated the terrified and desperate look on Kuroko’s face and hated the fact that he was the cause even more. But he couldn’t back down. “One way or the other, you are going to eat.”

“W…why….please…I don’t want it….”

Akashi loosened his grip on Kuroko without breaking eye contact. He could feel tears welling up in his own eyes, a rare feeling for him, although, perhaps not so rare recently. 

“BECAUSE I CAN’T KEEP WATCHING YOU DIE, TETSUYA!!!….I can’t stand by while you kill yourself.”

“Then don’t look.” Kuroko replied stubbornly and looked away from Akashi. A crying Akashi was unnerving. 

“I can’t help it Tetsuya. I always see you…” A sad smile crept onto Akashi’s face. “I love you. I love you Tetsuya. I can’t watch you die….even if keeping you alive makes you hate me….I won’t let you kill yourself.” Akashi pulled Tetsuya close and held him as tight as he dared to while letting himself cry. “Please…Tetsuya…”  
Kuroko was shocked and stared at nothing, still crying. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t make sense of what Akashi was telling him. It defied all logic in his brain and went against every truth he thought he knew. It was overwhelming. So he remained silent and let Akashi hug him while he tried to sort out his thoughts. 

However, he couldn’t sort his thoughts out. Everything seemed contradictory. Exhaustion was setting in too, even though he had slept all day and all last night. He didn’t have the energy to deal with such confusing thoughts. He was a failure. He was worthless. Love was not something anyone would give to him. Akashi wasn’t making sense.

After several minutes had passed, Akashi pulled back till he was face to face with Kuroko. His tears had stopped but his face still wore a sad and almost desperate expression as he leaned in to kiss Kuroko on the forehead. 

“Please Tetsuya. You don’t have to eat it all, just a little bit….for me.” Akashi begged. 

Kuroko couldn’t keep his eyes open any more though. He let his eyelids droop.

“Tetsuya?” He wondered if Kuroko had fallen asleep, or worse. Kuroko tried to open his eyes, but his eyelids felt too heavy. He kept them closed but managed to utter a few words.

“J…just…ju..st a f..few b…ites.” Kuroko didn’t open his eyes but he felt Akashi relax slightly. He didn’t open his eyes when he felt the spoon against his lips either, but he hesitantly allowed the mushy food into his mouth. Willingly swallowing was hard though. He wanted to spit it out, but ultimately, he forced himself to swallow. The process was repeated three more times before Kuroko refused to open his mouth when the spoon touched his lips.

“Do you think you can handle one more bite? Please.” 

Kuroko shook his head. Akashi hesitated but to Kuroko’s relief, he placed the spoon back in the bowl. 

“Some tea then? You haven’t had anything to drink today.”

“O….k…” the reply was barely audible but Akashi heard and smiled, a genuine smile, not his ‘I will kill you’ smile that frequented his face. He lifted Kuroko’s head slightly with one arm and used his other hand to hold the tea to Kuroko’s lips. The blue haired boy drank small sips slowly before turning his head away to indicate he had enough. Akashi placed the cup on the side table next to the unfinished porridge.

“Thank you Tetsuya.” He lightly kissed Kuroko on the forehead again before standing up. As he stood he felt something brush his back and looked back at Kuroko to see blue eyes, barely open, staring intently at him. “I won’t leave. I’m only going to set the bowl outside the door okay? Rest.”

Kuroko obeyed and closed his eyes again. Akashi did as he said and gave the maid outside a message. Once the door was closed again, he removed his shirt that had gotten wet from Kuroko’s tears, then climbed into the bed and pulled Kuroko close. He winced slightly when he felt Kuroko’s bones, but soon found himself feeling exhausted too. He buried his nose in the blue hair and let his own eyelids fall, drifting off to sleep. 

Kise, Midorima, and Aomine returned an hour and a half later. Midorima peeked in the bedroom door and nodded to himself at the sight of the red head and blue head sound asleep. He silently shut the door and informed the others. They decided not to bother their two friends and went about the rest of their evening. 

Kuroko didn’t wake up that night. He didn’t get rid of the food he had eaten. He kept it down, reluctantly.


	11. Red Heads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 11 Chapters already and not even half way through the story, I don't think anyway.  
> Sorry for the late update. Had a bit of writers block.  
> Comments are highly appreciated and adored!!!

The next morning, Aomine was the first to wake up. He walked into the living room still half asleep when, to his annoyance, he found a certain red head Seirin player, Seirin’s coach and the captain whos name he couldn’t be bothered to remember this early in the morning, sitting on the couch.

“Bakagami.” Aomine growled.

“Ahomine.” Kagami growled right back. The two stared each other down with murderous eyes until Hyuga jumped up off the couch and stood between them.

“Stop glareing at each other and grow up.” Rikos eyes moved to the door connecting the living room to the hall to see the Rakuzan captain standing there. Hyuga rose and he and Riko bowed respectfully. “Good morning. We are sorry to drop by unannounced but…”

“We hadn’t heard anything and we were worried damnit!” Kagami interrupted.

Aomine slumped into the couch across from the three Seirin members. “It’s been hectic…”

Akashi sat down in a chair. “My apologies for not keeping you up to date.” He gave a small polite nod towards Seirin. “As Daiki said, it’s been a bit chaotic this past week.”

“I thought you liked chaotic…” Kagami muttered under his breath receiving an elbow to his side from Riko.

“How is he?” Riko noticed the expression on Aomine and Akashi’s faces when she asked. She took a deep breath.

“When can he come back?” Kagami was glaring at Aomine again.

“He might not, Kagami.” For once, Aomine spoke to Kagami without a hint of malice or dislike. It kind of freaked Kagami out. Riko was still watching Akashi waiting for a report.

“Akashi….” Hyuga spoke cautiously to the Rakuzan captain after Akashi didn’t speak for what felt like several minutes. Riko noted the exhaustion on Akashi’s face despite how well it was hidden.

“He’s dying…and I don’t know if he can be saved.” Akashi’s voice was barely a whisper. He suddenly stood and walked over to the large window with his back facing the others. He didn’t trust his face at the moment.

“I thought you were going to help him!!!” Kagami yelled, but he didn’t look as angry as he did upset.

“It may be beyond our control. Even Akashi isn’t god ya know.” Aomine took a breath. “Besides, if you want to judge then why don’t you help out! You’re supposed to be his light.”

“I know! I don’t need you to tell me that damnit!”

“Then why is this the first time you have come to see him!?”

“Because!! Because I was scared…..I keep remembering him in that bathroom….how we all ignored the warning signs for so long until it was almost to late…” Kagami slammed his fist onto his thigh and dug his nails into his palms but could't stop the slight tremble of his body. Riko rubbed his back and Akashi and Aomine looked away. They understood.

The room remained silent, for how long, no one was sure. None of them were paying attention to the passage of time as they lost themselves in their own thoughts. It wasn’t until Midorima entered the room and called Akashi’s name that their minds snapped back to reality.

“Akashi, Kuroko is awake now.” Midorima left as soon as he informed Akashi.

“Daiki,” Akashi turned to Aomine, “please inform the chef that we will have three extra guests for breakfast.”

“Hai.” Aomine removed himself from the room quickly.

Seirin’s members didn’t protest. They knew better. Instead they kept their eyes on Akashi. Kagami had an odd expression on his face, surprised that Akashi had his own chef. Hyuga and Riko didn’t seem fazed though.

“Breakfast should be ready soon.” Akashi announced.

“So we can see Kuroko then?” Riko was looking hopefully at Akashi now.

Akashi sighed. “I’ll see if I can convince him to join.”

“Convince him?” Hyuga spoke his thoughts. He was clearly confused as to why Kuroko wouldn’t join and he wanted an explanation.

“I said he was dying didn’t I.” Akashi sighed again. He was sighing way too much these days. He rubbed his forehead as if to ward off a headache. “You heard the doctor. He called it anorexia with purging tendencies. He’s starving himself. He freaks out if we so much as mention eating to him. If we put food in front of him, he acts like it’s going to eat him instead of the other way around. Up until last night, we couldn’t get him to keep anything down, and it was only a few bites last night…” Akashi clenched his hands into fists clearly frustrated.

“Why the hell would he be afraid of food?” Kagami didn’t understand. This time it was Riko who explained after elbowing the tall red head.

“Anorexia is an eating disorder, Kagami. It’s a psychological disorder. I’ve seen it a few times when working with my father.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“ugh. You know what mental disorders are, right?”

“You mean like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder?”

“Those are mental disorders, yes. So is anorexia. Usually it’s in females, but males can develop the disorder too. Body image issues have a lot to do with it in most cases. The person sees themselves as fat no matter how much weight they lose and they become obsessed with doing whatever they can to lose that imaginary weight. Well, at least that’s usually how it is, but I can’t imagine Kuroko with body image issues….” Riko turned back to Akashi in hopes he might be able to explain.

“I did some research. He has said some things too. I’d say it stems more from being suicidal than from body image issues. That, and this stupid belief he has that he is worthless.” Akashi finished and the room went quiet for several minutes.

“Can we see him after breakfast….?” Kagami mumbled. He only sort of understood what had been said, but his mind was on seeing Kuroko.

Akashi hesitated, seemingly thinking it over in his head before replying. “That depends.”

“Depends on what, Akashi?”

“On whether you plan on seeing him and then disappearing from his life or actually helping him. He needs reliable support, not teammates that are too afraid to be there for him, Kagami.”

Again the room went silent, although this time, Akashi and Kagami were having a death stare contest. Finally, Kagami gave in.

“I want to help. I will help, however I can.”

“Good.” Akashi seemed satisfied with the response. “We can talk about what times work best for you after breakfast.”

“Times?” Kagami asked confused.

“We take turns watching after him. He can’t be left alone for even a minute and….he’s gotten too weak to do much on his own, except maybe kill himself if given the opportunity.” Akashi said the last part in a hushed voice.

“Is it really that bad?” Hyuga finally spoke up. Akashi nodded.

“You will see for yourself soon enough.” Akashi turned away and headed for the door. “Come. Breakfast should be ready any moment now.”

The three Seirin members followed Akashi to the dining room where they joined Midorima and Aomine for breakfast. Kise was currently in charge of watching Kuroko.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo......bringing Kagami back...at least for a little bit...I get kind of tired of writing his character though so I don't know how long I will keep him.


	12. Discussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy. Sorry for my unpredictable updates. I'm still working on my other two stories, but this one is just a bit easier to write. The other ones require me to actually look stuff up so it's taking longer.
> 
> Comments/reviews are very much appreciated. They make my day, truly.
> 
> I tried to add a tiny bit of humor to this chapter. I don't know why. I just felt like it was needed. I'm sorry Kiyoshi for picking on you!

Breakfast was quiet. Hyuga and Riko noticed that the three generation of miracles looked utterly exhausted. It made sense if what Akashi had said was true. If they really did have to watch Kuroko 24/7 while he fell apart before their eyes, it only made sense that their energy would be drained. It was probably worse considering it was Kuroko they were watching. Hyuga and Riko had a difficult time keeping track of Kuroko all the time, although they usually weren’t actively trying to watch him. Even if the GOM was more used to it, it was probably still hard. 

When everyone had finished, Akashi stood and gestured the Seirin teens to follow him. He led them down the hallway to a set of double doors. He pushed one of the doors open to reveal a large bedroom with a king sized bed on the right. Riko, Hyuga, and Kagami focused their eyes on the bed where Kuroko was sitting up against the head board, propped up by some pillows, and Kise was removing a cup of tea from Kuroko’s lips. 

“Tetsuya, your captain, coach, and Kagami are here to see you. Kise, your breakfast is in the kitchen. Go on.” Akashi gestured to Kise to leave. Once Kise had stepped out, the Seirin members walked closer to the bed. Akashi stayed in the door way. 

Riko studied Kuroko for a moment. Even with the blankets and thick clothing, she could tell how weak his body was. She did her best to smile but she had a feeling it wasn’t a very convincing smile. 

Hyuga pulled a chair over for Riko who took it with a nod of thanks, and then grabbed one for himself. He too struggled to keep the pain of seeing his teammate like this from his face.

Kagami opted for the bed and sat down on the edge next to Kuroko. He gulped as if swallowing his fear before he spoke. “Oi, Kuroko.” He couldn’t think of anything more to say so he waited for a reply. His eyes swept over the sight before him. Kuroko didn’t really look like Kuroko anymore. He looked…..dead.

“Hi.” Kuroko spoke in a weak voice before coughing. Once the coughing stopped he tried to smile, although Kuroko wasn’t really know for having any facial expression and the smile wasn’t really noticeable.

“How are you feeling?” Riko knew it was a dumb question, but it was all she could think of.

“I’m okay.”

“You don’t look okay!” Kagami growled. Kuroko winced as if the words had smacked him. 

“I’m sorry Kagami-kun.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Kagami looked at his hands and fidgeted. Kuroko reached for the red head’s hand and grasped it weakly. Kagami squeezed back as gently as he could but didn’t look at Kuroko. “You were hurting for a long time….and I didn’t even notice.”

Kuroko flinched and withdrew his hand. His eyes glazed over and he closed himself off from his three friends. He didn’t want to talk about that stuff. It was too confusing. Riko noticed the sudden change and tried to pull Kuroko back.

Riko pulled out her phone, clicking until she found a video she was looking for. She held the phone out for Kuroko to see the screen. “I thought you might like this.” She started. 

“Kiyoshi has been attempting to learn to play the flute. It’s really awful!” She smiled and was relieved when she saw Kuroko’s eyes return to normal.

“Oi! Are you trying to kill his ears!? Why do you even have that on your phone!?” Kagami tried to grab the phone but Riko kept it from his grasp.

“For once I agree with Kagami! It’s bad enough we have to listen to it! Don’t subject Kuroko to the same torture!” Hyuga nodded towards Kuroko.

“Oi! What do you mean ‘for once’ you agree with me!” Kagami turned his focus to Hyuga. The arguing was interrupted by a barely audible chuckle from Kuroko. The three looked at the bluenette in surprise.

“I’d like to hear actually. I’m sure it’s not that bad.” He spoke softly. Riko nodded triumphantly and put the phone where Kuroko could see it before clicking the play button.  
It really was ‘that’ bad though. Kuroko’s face scrunched up along with everyone elses. When the video finished he shook his head.

“Perhaps Kiyoshi senpai should find a different hobby.” Kuroko suggested.

“I’ll tell him you said that. Maybe then he will actually listen!” Hyuga grumbled. The four of them laughed. 

“I’m sorry you guys have to put up with that. Hopefully you don’t hear it too often.” Kuroko responded sympathetically once the laughter died down.

“Only every day after practice….” Kagami grumbled. Kuroko patted the red heads hand.

“I’m sorry Kagami-kun. I’m sure he will get better at it.” It was a lie. Kuroko was pretty sure nothing could help someone who was that bad! 

“I’m not sure my ear drums can survive long enough for him to improve! I’m going to be deaf Kuroko.” Hyuga covered his ears.

“I’ve never heard of a deaf basketball player, Senpai. Perhaps you could become the first!” Kuroko smiled at his own joke. Hyuga groaned but in a playful way. Kagami and Riko laughed. 

Then continued talking and joking for a little while longer till Kuroko felt his eyes becoming heavy with exhaustion. Luckily, Riko was quick to notice.

“Alright you two. “She looked at Kagami and Hyuga, “Kuroko looks tired. We should let him rest.” She stood up, ruffled the bluenettes hair and began to leave. 

“Alright. We will come again soon. See ya.” Hyuga followed Riko out leaving Kagami and Kuroko alone. 

“I guess I should get going too. Get some rest, k.” Kagami ruffled the blue hair ignoring Kuroko’s glare, and left as Kise re-entered the room to taking over watch duty. 

Akashi met Kagami outside the bedroom and led him to the study. He motioned for Kagami to sit down. Kagami took a chair and Akashi sat at his desk.

After a moment of observing Kagami, Akashi spoke up. “We have been using a schedule the past week to decide who looks after Kuroko at what times. It sounds insensitive or even harsh perhaps, but as I said earlier, he can’t be left alone. When he is, he hurts himself. If he thinks you won’t notice because you are too busy with something else, he will hurt himself too. It’s a bit easier now. He sleeps most of the time and he can barely stand or walk around so it’s harder for him to get in trouble.”

“This all sounds unreal. It’s like a bad dream. And since when do you actually bother to explain shit huh?” Kagami fixed Akashi with suspicion and annoyance.

“Because you need to know if you are going to help. I can’t just order you to watch him….if you don’t understand how serious this is…Tetsuya will get hurt…maybe worse. I’m too tired for this crap Kagami. Don’t test me if you want to live.” His words were threatening, but his voice and expression suggested exhaustion of many kinds. Even Kagami wasn’t oblivious to that, so he softened and decided to let things be.

“When should I come?”

“Come in.” Akashi spoke. Kagami looked confused until Riko walked through the door way.

“Why are you still here?” He asked his coach, almost rudely.

“He,” Riko glared at Akashi, “said he needed to speak with me.” She didn’t say that she was too afraid to decline. It was understood without being voiced.

“Hmph. Why do you need to speak about with her Akashi?”

“Exactly what we were discussing.”

“He was hoping you could come during practice time or half way through once a week. I already agreed of course. You aren’t that much use half the time anyways since Kuroko’s been gone….and he needs you more than Seirin right now….” Riko admitted. 

“Miss practice?” Kagami was confused. 

“Actually, she was the one who suggested it after she saw the schedule.” Akashi pointed out. Although he would have easily suggested it, it wasn’t his idea, even if he had convinced the other GOM’s coaches to allow them to miss a day if need be.

“Alright. When?”

“Midorima has Mondays. Aomine has Wednesdays, and Kise has Thursdays.”

“I’ll take Tuesday then.”

“Good. I expect you to be on time. The staff will already be informed so whoever answers the door will take you to where you need to be and alert me. Is that understood?”

“Yeah. Geez. You sound like some employer. I’ll be here on time okay.”

“Then you both are dismissed.” Akashi gestured for them to leave and they did. Once they were gone, he edited the schedule before moving to the couch for a much needed nap.


	13. Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated!  
> Hope you enjoy. I rewrote this chapter four times before finally settling on this.

After lunch, it was Aomines turn to stay with Kuroko. He sat on the bed and studied his biology text book till he heard a small sound escape the bluenettes face. His dark blue eyes met the bright blue eyes slowly opening and he smiled.

“Afternoon Tetsu.”

“hmm.”

“How are you feeling? Do you want some tea?”

Kuroko nodded slightly. Aomine helped him to sit up before going to the other side of the bed, kneeling next to it, and placing the cup to his lips. As usual, Kuroko tried to hold the cup himself, but his hands shook too much.

“Just let me.” Aomine gently removed Kuroko’s hands. “If you want to hold the cup then you should eat so you can get stronger Tetsu.” Kuroko stiffened and stopped drinking. Aomine instantly regretted his words, but it was too late now. “Tetsu….you know I’m right.”

“I don’t need food….” Kuroko’s voice was barely audible. “I’m perfectly fine.”

Aomine sighed. He wanted to say more. He wanted to shake some sense into his friend. He couldn’t do that though.

“Will you at least eat a couple bits of dinner?” Aomine tried to pout in an attempt to make Kuroko give in. It didn’t work.

“Maybe tomorrow. I’m not hungry today.”

Aomine sighed. Maybe Akashi could convince Tetsu to eat later. Too many maybes for his liking he thought. He watched as Kuroko pushed the tea away slowly and then sunk back under the covers.

“I’m tired.” The smaller boy said before closing his eyes. Aomine ran his hand through the light blue hair before going back to his earlier position.

“I’m sorry…” Kuroko mumbled too quietly for Aomine to hear, Then Kuroko slept.

\---- ---- --- -- --

 

“Tetsuya.” The red head gently shook Kuroko awake. It was already midmorning.

“Akashi-kun…” Kuroko squinted as his eyes adjusted to the light.

“Here.” Akashi handed Kuroko a cup of warm tea. The blue haired boy tried to hold it but his hands shook too much as usual. Akashi wrapped his fingers around the shaking hand holding the cup and steadied it. It took a few minutes to finish the tea, then Kuroko released his grip and let Akashi take the mug.

“Lets get you a bath, okay? Also,” Akashi paused knowing Kuroko wasn’t going to like his next words, “You have an appointment with a therapist in three hours.” Without looking to see Kuroko’s reaction, Akashi entered the bathroom and turned on the water to let it warm up.

When he returned to Kuroko’s side, the bluenettes expression was one of shock and maybe a bit of anger and definitely terror. Kuroko was usually so expressionless that telling his expressions apart when he did show them could be a bit difficult, even for Akashi. At least, he used to be expressionless, before he broke. Akashi sighed.

“I’ll stay with you. You don’t have to talk…..but you should.” Kuroko understood the last part was more or less an order even if Akashi said he had an option. Kuroko grabbed Akashi’s hand and squeezed it tight and Akashi squeezed back. After a moment, the red head disengaged his hand and picked up the blue haired boy bridal style to carry him into the bathroom.

 

He was a little surprised when he removed Kurokos clothes. He had bruises all over his body even though there was nothing Akashi could think of that could cause most of them. There hadn’t been that many the last time he bathed Kuroko. He tried not to grip Kuroko’s body too tightly while washing him.

When he got to Kuroko’s hair, he encountered another surprise realizing that the blue hair fell out and stuck to his hand so easily. Surely that was also a new development. He sighed. He wasn’t sure what caused something like that to happen but he figured it was likely death knocking on the door. That was enough to make him shudder.

Kuroko seemed to be shivering, a bit more than usual. He had started feeling sick after drinking the tea. He didn’t mind tea, but he was pretty sure there had been honey in it which meant calories. He had tried to distract himself from it, and finding out a therapist would be showing up to pick his brains was a pretty good distraction for a while, but now he couldn’t help thinking about the calories he had swallowed. How many calories were in honey anyway and who the hell put honey in the tea. There hadn’t been honey in the tea before, had there? He wasn’t really sure now though and that made him feel even sicker. He wanted to distract himself again because Akashi would get upset if he threw up, but he felt his control of his mind slipping.

“A….Ak….Akashi…”

“hmm? Is the water to cold?” Akashi asked as he finished rinsing the blue hair out.

“I’m sorry….” Before Akashi could ask why Kuroko was apologizing, the smaller boy’s body heaved and the tea mixed with stomach acid covered the shower floor. Akash sighed and rubbed Kuroko’s back until the vomiting stopped.

“It’s okay Tetsuya.” At least it was in the shower. At least it didn’t seem to be on purpose, although he couldn’t think of why else the smaller boy would have thrown up since he didn’t seem to have a fever, but still, at least Kuroko hadn’t shoved his hand down his throat again. Be thankful for the small blessings, Akashi thought.

Kuroko let out quiet sobs and Akashi turned off the water, grabbed a towel, wrapped it around Kuroko’s body, and pulled him close whispering random words and phrases to calm the boy down.

After a few minutes, Kuroko is still crying, so Akashi decides to take a chance. He adjusts himself so he can face Kuroko and gently pulls the bluenettes face close to his own, planting a quick kiss on Kuroko’s lips. It’s quick and chaste. Kuroko’s eyes go wide but he doesn’t pull away. His tears do stop though. Exhaustion catches up with him all to quickly and he can’t find the words to ask why Akashi kissed him, so he lets his head fall against the others firm chest and listens to the red heads steady heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already started the next chapter and I don't know if my eyes are watering from lack of sleep or if I'm crying! I hope it's lack of sleep!!


	14. Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New year!! My gift is two chapters in one day!  
> Shadow of a Shadow will also be updated either today or tomorrow even if it kills me.  
> I think my eyes got a little wet from writing this chapter....or maybe it's lack of sleep. Lets just assume lack of sleep.

About three hours later, Kuroko feels his shoulder being shaken gently again and he slowly blinks sleep from his eyes. 

“The therapist is here.” Akashi whispers. He feels Kuroko stiffen slightly under his hand. “Do you want me to stay with you?” 

Kuroko doesn’t answer, but sends a pleading look towards Akashi which Akashi understands to mean yes. 

“Alright. I’m going to bring her in. I’ll be right back.” Akashi leaves the room and returns a moment later with a brunette lady, slightly taller than Akashi, wearing a blouse and knee length skirt. Kuroko slowly pulls himself up so that he is slightly sitting up with his back against the head board. 

“Kuroko Tetsuya I presume?” The lady asks once she is standing next to the bed. Kuroko looks over to Akashi who is carrying a tray with three cups of tea. Kuroko gives him a pleading look hoping that Akashi will change his mind and tell the lady to leave. He never told Kuroko why he suddenly made an appointment with a therapist in the first place, although Kuroko can kind of guess. He doesn’t want to talk to this stranger though. He doesn’t really want to talk to anyone. He just wants to wait till his last breath is taken, hopefully sooner than later, in peace. 

To his dismay, Akashi returns Kuroko’s look with a well-known look of his own clearly ordering Kuroko to cooperate. Reluctantly, he looks back at the therapist.

“Hai.” He utters the quiet confirmation. Akashi sets the tray down, hands a cup of tea to the therapist and taking one for himself, and climbs on the bed to sit next to Kuroko taking the bluenettes cold hand in his own reassuringly, wincing as he feels every bone in that hand and sees the bluish tips of Kuroko’s nails, another reminder that death is close. 

“My name is Miwa Harumi. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She took a seat in a chair next to the bed and pulled out a pen and a clip board. “So your friend here tells me you are suicidal. Is that correct?”

She doesn’t waste time beating around the bush, Kuroko thought. He winced slightly at hearing her words. He didn’t like the idea of someone saying those words…even if they were the truth. He can’t bring himself to say anything so he just nods and fixes his gaze on the pattern of the comforter on the bed.

“How long?”

Kuroko closes his eyes. He wants to sleep. He’s so tired and the room is so tense. His body feels sore, at least the parts that aren’t almost completely numb. Why can’t everyone just leave him alone? He doesn’t even know the answer to this question, but he feels Akashi’s hand squeeze his and he knows he has to utter some sort of answer.

“I don’t know…..I’m tired….Akashi…” He looks up at the red head pleadingly. 

“Answer her questions Tetsuya. Then you can sleep.” Akashi answers sternly.

“Hai….”

Kuroko sighed and dared to look at the therapist waiting for the next question.

“When did you last harm yourself?”

“I….I don’t know…”

Miwa looks from Kuroko to Akashi.

“If you count purging, Thursday. If you don’t, then about two weeks ago.” Akashi replied for Kuroko in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice.

“Why did you hurt yourself?” Miwa asks gently with an almost sympathetic look in her eyes. 

Kurokos eyelids feel heavy but his head feels light. He feels dizziness sweep over him and he shuts his eyes tightly willing it to go away, but it doesn’t. It’s all he can do to utter out a sentence before passing out again.

“I’m……..a worthless………….piece of shit….I am nothing. I....I failed....”

Akashi feels his chest tighten and it takes a moment for him to realize Kuroko is no longer awake. The therapist spares a last look at Kuroko with sad eyes before standing up.

“When would you like me to come again?” She whispers. 

Akashi checks Kuroko’s pulse, something he has started doing frequently when Kuroko falls asleep or has been sleeping for a while, then removes himself from his position beside Kuroko once he is satisfied the blue haired boy is still alive. With a quick look back to the sleeping boy, he leaves the room with the therapist.

“I think Wednesday maybe a bit earlier in the day.”

“Does 1:00 work for you then? I would like to get him when he is less tired. It won’t do if we can’t even get through a session before he falls asleep. Although….I understand his condition is quite severe.”

“He had a long day….”

The therapist nods in understanding. “Alright. I will come back at 1 on Wednesday.”

“Is there anything I should do for him until then?”

“Keep him alive if you can.” It wasn’t meant to be harsh; it was just an honest answer. 

Miwa left without waiting for a response. Akashi sent Midorima, who had previously been occupying the living room with a book, to go watch over Kuroko before making his way to the study. Once inside the room, he sat down on the couch, pulled his knees to his chest, and cried. Crying was a rare thing for him, but at that moment, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He was tired. He hadn’t gotten more than a few hours of sleep at a time, which was plagued with nightmares, for the past week and he it had been a rough day. He wanted to pull Kuroko into a tight embrace and tell him how much he loved him. He wanted to kiss him and make the pain go away. He wanted to see life back in those blue eyes. It all hurt so much. So he cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BY THE WAY!!!! I'm starting a new fanfic for Okane ga Nai!! It's kind of similar to this one in that it deals with eating disorders but it's in the more traditional sense of eating disorders. 
> 
> Also working on one for Durarara. Technically there are two or three chapters outlined....I just have to actually write it up.


	15. Akashi's Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting close to the end. I'm guessing probably five more chapters?

“W…where’s Midorima-kun?” Aomine looked over his shoulder to see Kuroko awake and looking at him.

“He had something to take care of so I’m taking over.” Aomine turned back to the tea on the dresser and poured a second mug.

“W….where’s Alashi-kun….W…what time is it?” The last thing he remembered was talking to the therapist that afternoon. Now it was dark outside. He must have passed out.

“It’s 6pm. Akashi’s in his study…..crying.” Aomine didn’t turn around to see Kuroko’s reaction. When Midorima had asked him to come take over, he heard a strange sound from the study and peeked in to find Akashi on the couch crying. Luckily for him, the red head didn’t notice. Otherwise he would be dead. It probably wasn’t something he should tell Kuroko, but his mouth spoke before his brain thought. Aomine finished pouring the tea and turned to face Kuroko.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing Tetsu!” Aomine nearly shouted when he saw Kuroko standing, or trying to at least. He had a death grip on the side table to keep him steady. “Get back in bed!”

“I….I’m going to see Akashi-kun…” The bluenette took a couple steps using whatever he could grab a hold of to keep himself up.

“You can barely stand.” Aomine was now standing in front of Kuroko. He refrained from pushing the boy back in the bed because he was afraid it would hurt him. Instead, he held out his arm, but Kuroko smacked it away, although his smack was too weak to actually push it away.

“I don’t need help.”

“Really?” Aomine almost looked amused. Kuroko glanced at the space between him and the door. Once he left the bedroom he could use the wall for support, but until then, he would either have to take the long way to the door by following the wall, crawl, or accept help. He decided on the latter with a reluctant sigh.

“Just to the door….”

Aomine nodded and bent down to wrap his arm around Kuroko’s waist while Kuroko placed his arm around Aomines neck. They made their way to the door and then Aomine disengaged and watched Kuroko walk down the hall.

Akashi didn’t cry. Kuroko knew that. That’s why hearing the news he was crying scared him. He had seen Akashi cry twice before, but not alone. Well, of course it wasn’t alone if he had been there to witness. Still, he didn’t like it.

It was slow, painfully slow in fact, to get to the study. His knees shook, his body ached, and he swore the place should be covered in ice; it felt so cold. His head was spinning and his breath was short to make matters worse, but something told him he needed to go to Akashi. He needed to see him.

He made it too the door of the study and grasped the door knob. The door was heavy, so he only pulled it open enough to slide in, then let go right away. Sure enough, the Akashi was crying.

“Akashi-kun.”

Akashi looked up to see Kuroko leaning on the door.

“Tetsuya….what are you doing…?”

“Aomine-kun said you were crying.”

Akashi moved from the couch to where Kuroko was and picked him up. He sat back down on the couch and kept Kuroko partially in his lap. Then to the blue haired teen’s surprise, Akashi hugged him tightly. He didn’t say anything; he just hugged him tightly. After a few moments, he pulled away till they were face to face and pressed his lips against Kuroko’s. It was a tongueless kiss. Akashi wasn’t sure Kuroko would be okay with anything else. It only lasted a moment before he pulled away again and stared into Kuroko’s blue eyes.

“Akashi-kun? What are you doing? Why were you crying? What’s wrong?”

“Never mind that. Let’s get you back to bed.” Akashi stood up with Kuroko in his arms. Kuroko wrapped his arms around the red heads neck.

“Please don’t cry anymore Akashi-kun.”

Before Akashi could respond, Kuroko had fallen asleep with his head leaning against his shoulder.

Akashi took him back to the room and placed him under the covers gently. Aomine tried not to look.

“Daiki, come with me.” Akashi commanded almost coldly.

Aomine felt his heart skip a beat. Surely Akashi wanted to kill him for letting Kuroko get up.

“Doesn’t someone need to watch Tetsu?”

“He won’t have the energy for anything more today. Come.”

Aomine reluctantly followed Akashi to the living room. Instead of getting an earful, he watched his former captain pull out his cell phone and make several calls. Then they sat in silence. Akashi was thinking of his next move.

Three hours later, the room was occupied with the GOM, Kagami, Hyuga, Riko, Takao and Kasamatsu, although the latter two weren’t invited. All eyes were fixed on Akashi.

“So, are you going to tell us why you insisted on calling us here so late?” Kagami spoke up first, obviously annoyed. He wasn’t thrilled at the idea of a meeting at 10pm on a school night, though he wasn’t going to risk ignoring Akashi and he figured it was probably for Kuroko’s sake. He still didn’t like it though.

“D….did something h..happen to Kuroko?” Riko worried that maybe Kuroko had died, although surely, Akashi would have told them right away if that were the case. He wouldn’t told them all to meet up in three hours.

To her relief, Akashi shook his head.

“I called you here because I have a plan.”

“A plan for what?” Midorima asked.

“To help Kuroko. What started this whole mess in the first place? What was the trigger?” Akashi looked around the room.

“You guys being assholes.” Kagami retorted only to get an elbow to his ribs from Riko.

“Yes.” Akashi surprisingly agreed. “More specifically, we were assholes who disregarded teamwork. And I was an asshole who tried to replace him.” A scowl directed only at himself formed on his face. Everyone else only stared silently, not believing what they just heard.

“So, what’s your point.” Midorima, who was probably the least fazed by the red heads reaction cautiously asked after a few minutes of silence passed.

“Tetsuya beat us,” he gestured to the GOM, “even if he didn’t win that last game. That isn’t how he sees it though. He thinks he failed. So we have to convince him that he didn’t.”

“Isn’t that what we have been trying to do?” Aomine spoke this time. Akashi glared at him.

“He tried to teach us through basketball. It worked. So I propose we teach him the same way.”

“So you want to play against him? I don’t think beating the crap out of him at basketball is going to help.” Kagami wasn’t angry at the idea, he just didn’t get it.

“He can’t play. He can barely stand. The ball would knock him over and probably break his bones.” Aomine was starting to think Akashi had lost his mind.

“I didn’t say he would play basketball. Obviously that isn’t possible. I meant we use basketball to show him he didn’t fail, not that we play against or with him.”

“And how are we going to do that?” Midorima pushed his glasses up.

“The GOM will play, as a team, against Seirin.”

“We barely won when just one of you was on the court and we had Kuroko then! How is beating us to a pulp going to help?!” Kagami glared at Akashi but Akashi didn’t glare back. He only sighed.

“Bakagami is already giving up.” Aomine taunted.

“Stupid Ahomine. I’m just stating the facts!”

“ENOUGH!” Akashis voice echoed. Aomine and Kagami gulped and shut their mouths.

“It doesn’t matter who wins. The point is to prove it isn’t like before. All the GOM has to do is work as a team again and Seirin is the perfect opponent. It’s actually a bit annoying how you guys seem to be hopeful and fired up no matter what the score is. Even if we defeat you on the scoreboard, I have confidence that we won’t be able to defeat your spirit or passion the way we did with so many teams before, even if we fail to work together as a team. Of course, failing is not an option, but if we do, at least we won’t do more damage.” A look of pain flashed across Akashi’s eyes, but it was gone before anyone could make it out.

“So the generation of miracles against Seirin? Where?” Riko had her phone out and was looking at the calendar.

“Wait, you’re agreeing?” Hyuga finally spoke up again. He wasn’t sure they deserved Akashi’s confidence. He wasn’t sure they really had a chance without Kuroko. Even with Kagami, they had struggled through the last few matches.

“I am. We might be able to use the gym, although it’s not an official practice match or an official match, so we aren’t supposed to, but we could probably get away with it.”

“Do you really think Kurokocchi will want to watch? How do we even get him there?” Kise’s voice was quiet. He gripped Kasamatsus hand.

“It’s called a car and a wheel chair dummy. Or we could just carry him.” Aomine replied.

“Can he stay awake long enough to watch a whole game?” Midorima added.

“We could make it a half game. And if he eats something beforehand…..” Riko suggested.

Akashi agreed and they all spent the next two hours making plans, arguing, and snacking. They decided they would do it on Sunday. That was about a week away which gave everyone a chance to prepare.

It was after midnight when they finished so they all decided to crash there for the night. It was too late to be walking around and the trains had mostly stopped.

 

 


	16. Desperation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated.  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter....you know...as much as anyone can enjoy something depressing....

 

“You’re already up?” Akashi walked into the bedroom with a tray to find Kuroko was sitting up in bed, awake, and staring out the window.

“Good morning Akashi-kun. I just woke up.”

Akashi made his way over and placed the tray on the side table.

“Miso soup?” Kuroko didn’t look at the tray, but he recognized the smell.

“I thought you might be tired of porridge.”

“I don’t eat the porridge.”

“You smell it.”

The two fell quiet. Akashi took the chair next to the bed. He grabbed the bowl of soup and lifted a spoonful to Kuroko’s lips.

“I’m not hungry..” Kuroko whispered.

“I don’t recall asking.” Akashi replied blandly. In his mind he was begging the gods for Kuroko to just eat without a fight. It didn’t seem the gods were powerful enough for that though.

“Please leave.” Kuroko whispered again even quieter than before.

“Tetsuya….” Akashi stopped when he saw tears filling the bluenettes eyes. He could feel his own eyes burning with the desire to spill tears of his own.

“I’ll just throw it up. There’s no point.” Kuroko turned his head away from Akashi. The red head sighed.

“Okay fine.” He couldn’t believe he was agreeing to this. However, he was desperate, desperate enough to agree to almost anything.

“Fine?” The blue haired boy turned to face Akashi again.

“I…..I’ll let you throw up….but you have to eat at least half the bowl.” Were these words really coming out of his mouth? He wasn’t sure there was even a point to this though. If Kuroko threw up, it would be like not eating anyway, but maybe it wouldn’t. Akashi cursed himself for not knowing more about the human body. All he could do was hope that this was somehow better than not eating at all.

“Why?” Kuroko eyed him suspiciously. What was the point of eating if he would just throw it up? Did Akashi think he would change his mind after eating?

“Please…..Please Tetsuya….just eat the soup.”

“You promise not to stop me afterwards?” He didn’t have to say what Akashi might stop him from doing. They both understood. Akashi nodded.

“I’ll take you to the bathroom myself. Just eat.” He felt a tear roll down his cheek and cursed himself internally. He hated crying. He just hoped that maybe some of the soup would digest or something before Kuroko had a chance to get rid of it. The bluenette ate pretty slow.

“Only half?” Kuroko asked to double check. Half was a lot…but it wouldn’t be in him for long at least. Besides, he didn’t want to see Akashi cry.

“Only half.”

Kuroko nodded. The red head picked up the spoon and held it to Kuroko’s mouth. The bluenette reluctantly accepted it. It was a slow process. A fight ensued in Kuroko’s head every time he had to open his mouth or swallow. He only won by reminding himself it was for Akashi and it would be out of him soon. When about a fourth of the bowl was gone, Akashi had to warm the soup up again. After a little more than half an hour passed, half the soup had been eaten.

“I kept up my end of the deal….” Kuroko looked sharply at Akashi who was placing the bowl back on the tray.

“Is there any way I can convince you….”

“No.” Kuroko cut him off. Akashi nodded and sighed. He was a man of his word. He kept his promises, no matter how much he didn’t want to. He took a moment to gather himself and blink away the tears threatening to fall then he gently picked the smaller boy up. It was painful as always, not physically, but mentally. Kuroko was so light. It was literally as if he was carrying one of those skeletons from the anatomy classrooms.

Akashi set Kuroko down in front of the toilet and looked away. He heard Kuroko whisper a quiet apology and then gagging sounds. The tears he had managed to hold back so far came streaming down his face. He shut his eyes tightly and told himself this was still better than Kuroko not eating at all. It hurt like hell though. Just inches away from him, the person he loved most in the world was puking his life away and there was nothing he could do about it. He was helpless. He had gotten Kuroko to eat, but did it mean anything? Akashi didn’t care that he was crying anymore. He clenched his fists and dug his nails into his palms. It felt like the sounds from behind him were physically pulling his heart apart and dicing it up. It took a moment for Akashi to realize when the sounds had finally stopped.

“T….Tetsuya…” Akashi turned around hesitantly, afraid of what he might find. Kuroko was leaning against the wall beside the toilet shaking more than the usual slight trembling. His face was drained of color, his breath was ragged, and tears stained his cheeks, but he wasn’t dead or unconscious.

Unsure what to do, Akashi wet a hand towel and proceeded to wipe the vomit from Kurokos face and hand. He flushed the toilet and carried Kuroko back to the bed.

“I’m s….sorry” Kuroko apologized in a raspy voice before coughing.

“Don’t try to speak.” Akashi set Kuroko on the bed and then climbed in from the other side and pulled the covers up to their chins. He pulled Kuroko closer and stroked his blue hair, careful not to tug at it since it would easily fall out. “I forgive you.”

“Y….you’re crying again….”

Akashi pulled Kuroko even closer tucking the blue haired head under his chin. “Because I love you.” He whispered.

“There’s nothing to love about me.” Kuroko whispered back.

“That’s not true.”

“It is though. I am nothing. I don’t deserve love.”

“Stop saying you are nothing! You mean far too much to me to be nothing. I’m sorry I have hurt you so much…”

“I am nothing though. But I love you too Akashi-kun…I don’t deserve you….b…but I..love…” Kuroko didn’t finish as he drifted off to sleep.


	17. Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. Sorry.  
> Comments appreciated as always!!!!

Akashi woke to a shake on the shoulder and looked up to find Kagami standing over him.

“The others are waiting for you.” Kagami whispered. Akashi had forgotten the GOM had planned to practice together once they all got out of school. It had been a long time since they had played as a team and they hadn’t really been playing as a _team_ then. They had decided it would be good to practice.

Akashi scooted out of the bed careful not to disturb Kuroko. “Watch over him.” Akashi whispered as he passed by Kagami and left the room.

“Kuroko……” Kagami sighed as he looked down at his shadow. Noticing that Kuroko was shivering, he climbed on top of the bed and pulled Kuroko close, although it was more awkward than the way Akashi did. It was all Kagami could think of.

“K….Kagami-kun…?” Kuroko groaned and opened his eyes.

“Hey sleepy head. Nice bed head.” Kagami joked casually.

“Shut up. Did Akashi-kun leave?”

“Yeah. Sorry. You’re stuck with me now.”

“I don’t mind.” Kuroko yawned and closed his eyes.

“Can I get you anything?”

“MmmMmm.” Kuroko shook his head slightly. “I’m okay.”

“I brought your school work in case you wanted to do some. The teachers said you could turn it in whenever. We could do some of it together now if you want.”

“I suppose I should try to do some.” Kuroko pushed himself up to sit leaning against Kagami and fought down a wave of dizziness and nausea.

“I’ll help you with English if you help me with Kanji. Deal?” Kagami offered his hand for a hand shake.

“Hai.” Kuroko shook it. Kagami pulled out some papers, notebooks, and pencils from his backpack he had left on the floor.

“Which one first?” Kagami held up the Kanji and English worksheets.

“Kanji.”

Kagami groaned and handed the worksheet to Kuroko with a notebook and pencil. Once they were situated, they began working their way through the worksheet. They managed to get through the Kanji worksheet and most of the English worksheet before Kuroko complained he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer.

“We can stop if you complain in English.” Kagami teased.

“Fine. But you have to write it in Kanji then.” Kuroko retorted with a satisfied grin.

“That’s not fair!”

“I’m tired.” Kuroko replied in English.

“Damn it. Fine.” Kagami pulled a sheet of paper from his note book and wrote the words on the paper. Kuroko just giggled.

“That’s wrong Kagami-kun.”

Kagami tried again only to fail again. It took four times in total for him to get it right and that was only because Kuroko helped him. Once they finished, Kagami put the papers away and tucked Kuroko in.

“Get some sleep, okay.” He smiled softly. If he ignored how his teammate looked, he could pretend this was just like any other meet up to do homework. If only that were true though.

++++

Kagami left once Akashi returned. Practice had gone pretty well since they hadn’t played together in a while. In fact, it was almost like the old days, only Kuroko was missing. They had known how important Kuroko was to their team, but practice that day forced it to sink in more than ever before. It had been two on two since Murisakabara had gone home that morning to pack and stuff. He wouldn’t be back till tomorrow.

After making sure Kuroko was asleep, Akashi stepped into the shower and let his thoughts wander. Although they tried not to leave Kuroko alone for long periods at a time, they hadn’t been as paranoid about leaving him alone for shorter periods of time recently. There wasn’t much he could do and he seemed content to passively commit suicide by wasting away.

Akashi wondered if it hurt. He noticed the pain on the smaller boys face quite often and how Kuroko wouldn’t stay in one position for very long when awake. It was easy to bruise him too. How broken did someone have to be to put themselves through that? Akashi had his fair share of problems, but he never considered suicide and he thought if he did he would definitely want it to be quick.

Sitting down, he held his knees to his chest and rested his head on them letting the warm water massage his skin. He didn’t cry, but he wanted to. Maybe he just didn’t have any tears left. He wasn’t sure. This whole situation was just so painful. Watching was painful. Having so little control was painful. He gave a small internal laugh. Karmas a bitch. He deserved this pain. They all did. Tetsuya had gone through just as much if not more, and he still was. It was only fair they feel some pain too, right? He could almost feel insanity nipping at his heels.

Heavy breathing and a small voice calling his name snapped him back to sanity. When he looked up he saw Kuroko gripping the doorway with a frightened expression gripping his chest.

“Tetsuya!” Akashi jumped up and threw a towel around himself. He just barely made it in time to stop Kuroko from falling.

“Tetsuya! What’s wrong!?” Akashi sat down hold Kuroko in his lap. The bluenettes breath was rapid and shallow and he was clutching his chest with one hand and his stomach with the other with a pained expression. Despite his skin being cold and his body shivering, he was covered in sweat. Something was wrong. Something was seriously wrong. He had been just fine moments ago. How? Akashi didn't have time to worry about that. A chill went down his spine and it wasn't because he was cold. “Tetsuya!” Akashi called again when Kuroko’s eyes began to close. “Stay with me! Tetsuya! Oi! Shit! Shit! Shit! Please!” Akashi begged. He set Kuroko down and pulled on his pants without bothering to dry off. He picked Kuroko up and ran out of the bedroom. He shouted orders for someone to bring the car around.

He stood in the doorway waiting and gently shaking Kuroko in his arms.“Shit Tetsuya. Shit!!!!! Damn it!!! DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING DIE ON ME! Fuck!! Where the hell is the fucking car!!!!”

This isn't happening, he thought. This can't be happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me. Things will get better......maybe.....definitely......definitely maybe!!


	18. Atrophy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always enjoyed.  
> Hope you like this chapter.  
> It's a bit longer than usual.  
> Don't ask me about the name for this chapter....I don't know....I'm bad at naming things.

“Akashi?” Midorima spoke softly, his voice shaking. He wasn’t even trying to hide his emotions like he often did.

Akashi was sitting in the waiting room, shirtless, bent over with his head in his hands. He was shaking and although he was silent the water that dripped from his chin to his lap told Midorima the red head was crying.

“I stopped by your place and grabbed you a set of clothes. I hope this is okay…I wasn’t sure…the maid said…..” Midorima trailed off while holding the clothes out to Akashi. Akashi looked up, his eyes red and puffy and a small sad smile on his face.

“Thanks Shintarō.” Akashi took the clothes. He slipped on the shirt but ignored the rest. He didn’t feel like moving yet.

“Yeah….no problem.” Midorima blushed unused to his former captain saying such things. “Any news?”

Akashi shook his head. The two teens sat in silence for a moment before Midorima spoke again.

“Your maid said the car had already left to pick up the others by the time I arrived. They should be here soon.”

Akashi nodded and silence filled the space between them again. Midorima decided to grab some coffee from the coffee machine. He returned and handed a coffee to Akashi who took it.

“Did we make a mistake Shintarō?” Akashi asked, staring at his reflection in the black liquid.

“About what?”

“Not sending him to a looney bin? Was it a mistake? I keep thinking what ifs and maybes. Like if we had sent him to one, maybe he would be getting better now. If I had told him the truth sooner, maybe we wouldn’t even be in this mess. If I had hired more doctors. If I hadn’t lost myself in the first place. If.”

Midorima was startled by Akashi’s unusual confession but did his best to hide his shock.

“We already talked about why the mental hospital was a bad idea, and even if we had done all those things, we might have still ended up here, or maybe somewhere worse. It’s not like you to dwell on the ifs and maybes. Besides, we don’t even know what’s wrong with him. We should….”

“He’s fucking dying Shintarō!!!! That’s what’s wrong!” Akashi cut Midorima off, slamming his fists on his thighs. “He’s dying….it’s all my fault….He’s dying because of me.” Akashi’s features softened again. Midorima didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t like either version of Akashi and he wasn’t very good at consoling normal people. How was he supposed to console a panicked Akashi!?

Suddenly Akashi leaned over and placed his head on Midorima’s chest sobbing. It took everything the green haired teen had to remain calm at this rather impossible situation. He decided it was best not to speak and awkwardly wrapped his arms around his former captain in a hug while rubbing circles on his back.

“I love him Shintarō…..I can’t lose him. I killed him…”

Midorima pulled away and slapped Akashi, although not very hard.

“Get a hold of yourself!” Slapping Akashi was scary. It may very well be a death sentence. However, it wasn’t nearly as scary as the scene that was playing out before his eyes.

Akashi didn’t make a move to kill him though. Instead, the red head just stared. Midorima turned away pushing his glasses up on his nose nervously. He was relieved when Kise, Aomine, and Kagami ran in the door.

The trio ran over to the pair only to stop suddenly once they were close enough to see Akashi’s face.

“No!” Kise whispered. “No…it can’t be….!!!!!!” He shouted assuming that the reason for Akashi looking so disheveled was because Kuroko was dead.

“He’s not dead, Kise.” Midorima spoke up before Kise could freak out more. The blondes’ expression changed from terror and disbelief to confusion. None of them commented on Akashi’s appearance though. Kuroko was alive and if they wanted to stay alive too, it was best for them to keep their mouths shut. They took their seats and Midorima brought over more coffee. Twenty minutes passed in silence.

“Is there an Akashi Seijūrō here?” A young woman, a nurse, asked to the waiting room. Akashi stood up.

“I’m Akashi.” He announced. His eyes were still red and puffy, but he had managed to compose himself. His general aura was back, even if it was weaker.

“You’re here for Kuroko Tetsuya? Correct?” She asked as Akashi walked over. He nodded.

“Kuroko has been stabilized. The doctor would like to talk to you…..privately….in his office.” She added the last part hesitantly. Akashi let out a shaky breath. The nurse continued. “If you want to bring a friend…”

Whatever the news was, it couldn’t be good. Doctors don’t call loved ones to their offices to tell them good news. They don’t suggest you bring a friend for comfort when they plan to tell you good news. Now Akashi was torn between not wanting to face it alone and not wanting his friends to see him break down……again. He looked back at the others and sighed. They would want to know Kuroko’s condition too.

“May I bring four?” He asked the nurse, gesturing to the others. She looked up bit unsure for a moment but then nodded. Aomine, Midorima, Kise, and Kagami followed the nurse with Akashi to the doctor’s office.

When they arrived, the doctor looked up from his paperwork surprised. He hadn’t expected so many. They let Akashi take one of the seats and the rest stood around and behind him. Everyone, except maybe Kagami and Aomine, sort of knew how the red head felt about Kuroko and after seeing Akashi’s state earlier, they wanted to protect him. Had it been a different situation, such an idea might be laughable. Protecting the red emperor. Usually one needed protection _from_ Akashi.

“Are you Akashi?” The doctor looked at Akashi who nodded.

“I’m Dr. Hiroshi. You’re listed on Kuroko’s paperwork to be allowed to receive any information regarding him. Are you alright with allowing them,” he looked at the others, “ to hear as well?” The doctor asked. The answer was obvious, but it was still a formality. Luckily, the doctor knew who Akashi was, so he didn’t pester him about the peculiar details of the paperwork.

“It’s alright.” Akashi stated. The doctor nodded and glanced over some papers before raising his head again to speak.

“Kuroko’s condition is currently stable however he is showing signs of MOF or multiple organ failure.” Dr. Hiroshi paused to let the information sink in. Once Akashi nodded in what was likely to be understanding, he continued. “The cause is malnutrition as a result of an eating disorder. His body is eating itself. In other words, it’s feeding off his fat and muscle. That includes heart muscle. You said the onset of symptoms seemed to be sudden or at least, the symptoms that prompted you to seek emergency treatment. It probably wasn’t as sudden as it appeared, but it was probably caused by some sort of stress. We can’t know for sure.”

“Is he going to die?” Kise interrupted with the question on everyone’s minds.

“He’s at high risk for heart failure right now which is the biggest concern. It’s difficult to say for the damage to his heart, but the damage to his other organs is probably still reversible if he gains weight. As I said, he is still in the early stages. If it progresses farther, it will eventually become irreversible.”

“How much time? …….How much weight? ……..What are his chances?” Akashi’s voice was shaking like the rest of him, but was otherwise almost emotionless.

“It’s hard to set a time frame. We don’t know how fast the condition is progressing since the doctor in charge of him during his previous visit didn’t run many tests on his organ function. That was a mistake unfortunately. As for weight, he’s currently 79 pounds with a BMI of 12.8. He needs to at least get to a BMI of 18 or about 110 pounds. Ideally, he should be around 115 to 135, but we’re only talking about what is needed to possibly reverse the damage. None of this is a guarantee though.”

Everyone remained silent. It seemed hopeless now. Kuroko had always been stubborn, had always done things his way. If he wanted to die, it seemed like they were powerless to stop him.

“There’s still a chance.” Akashi croaked. “We might still be able to convince him….” He was referring to the game they had planned. “When can he be released?”

“He needs constant medical supervision.” The doctor replied.

“Does that mean he will be sent to a mental institution?” Aomine asked unable to keep his voice steady.

“No. They aren’t likely to take him in this condition. He will need to remain in the ICU.”

“Can we transfer him?” Akashi asked, confusing everyone else in the room.

“It can be arranged. May I ask why?” The doctor inquired.

“Simply personal reasons.” He replied.

“Where are you going to transfer him?” Midorima asked, butting into the exchange.

“Your fathers.” The red head whispered so the doctor could’t hear. Midorima nodded and excused himself to make a call to his father’s hospital.

The only reason they went to this hospital was because it was quicker since the road for the fastest route from Akashi’s to Midorimas fathers’ hospital had been closed for renovations. Now that time was no longer as important, they could go there.

“Can he be transferred tonight?” Akashi asked the doctor. The doctor nodded.

“He’s stable. We will need the name of the hospital you wish to transfer him to and get their okay first.”

“They are already expecting him. This is the hospital and the number you can contact.” Midorima spoke as he walked back in and handed a card to the doctor who took it and nodded.

After two hours, it was 2 A.M. and the transfer was finished. Everyone else went home agreeing to return at 9 A.M.. Now that Kuroko was in the hospital run by Midorima’s father, they wouldn’t need to worry about visiting hour restrictions or any other possible issues. They were even able to get Kuroko a private room with plenty of space for visitors. It wasn’t enough to make things okay, but it was something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sort of went from a break Kuroko story to a break Akashi even more story. Sorry. I really can't tell if I'm a masochist or a sadist at this point. I'm so sorry Akashi!!!! It's not the end yet!!!
> 
> Shit...writing this story is going to make me cry...I swear....


	19. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess this is going to end up being a little more than 20 chapters...dang that's long. Who knew I could write that much. Well, the chapters are shortish. Hey! Shortish is actually a word! Who knew?
> 
> Comments are appreciated. I really enjoy reading all the ones this story has gotten so far! It makes writing even more enjoyable.
> 
> Anyway...I think I almost cried writing this chapter...but I'm blaming it on tired eyes...yep...tired eyes...tired mind...that's all it was...
> 
> I swear something good will happen eventually though! Well, I shouldn't promise that since I haven't finished writing this story yet and who knows where the characters will take me...but I'm going to say it anyway.

Hiroto Midorima had heard the story about Kuroko’s condition from his son about two weeks ago and a couple times since. He had to admit he was surprised. He had met Kuroko before and he quite liked the kid. He didn’t seem like one to get involved in this kind of thing….but then again Hiroto didn’t know that much about him.

When his son called a few hours earlier about the transfer, he wasn’t about to refuse. He cared about all his patients, but this was a friend of his sons and therefor important. He immediately made the arrangements and informed the hospital necessary staff of the patients special circumstances. He also ordered them to allow special rights to the boys friends so they could visit anytime and stay the night. He didn’t really need to do the last part though. For one thing, he knew who Akashi was and if he hadn’t allowed it, the boy would have found a way to twist his arm until he did. This was far easier.

With all that done, he was sitting at his desk going over Kuroko’s medical charts when he heard footsteps.

“Father?” Midorima knocked on the door frame of his father’s office. Hiroto looked up.

“Come in. Did you need anything?”

Midorima took the sea across from his father’s desk. Instead of speaking, he stared down at his hands fidgeting in his lap.

“Is this about your friend, Kuroko?” Hiroto questioned sympathetically.

“Have you looked over his file?”

Hiroto nodded. Although this wasn’t the type of case he typically took, he accepted it without hesitation. It wasn’t his specialty, but he wasn’t one of the best for nothing.

“I’ve looked over it. Dr. Hiroshi’s conclusions appear to be correct based on the available information. Unfortunately, the doctor before that was too incompetent to see this coming despite the signs being obvious in the data from the first visit.”

Midorima grimaced. “Is there anything you can do….to increase his chances?”

“A feeding tube. It’s a temporary fix and it won’t be enough to gain back the necessary weight, but it’s a start…..assuming his body doesn’t reject it.”

“And if it does….?”

Hiroto was silent. Midorima didn’t really need him to answer anyway.

“Thanks father.” He whispered as he got up to leave. “I’m going home now. Everyone will be coming back in the morning, just so you know.” He stopped at the door and added something a bit louder. “Akashi will probably come to see you then. I just thought you should know…..he loves Kuroko….. _that_ way.” Midorima wasn’t really sure if his father understood but he wasn’t sure how else to say it. He just figured his father should know the circumstances so he would tread cautiously. His father seemed to understand and nodded. Midorima left.

++++++++

Half way home, Akashi told his driver to go back to the hospital. His mind couldn’t relax. If Kuroko woke up alone, he might be scared. He needed to go back.

As soon as the car pulled up to the front of the hospital, Akashi made a dash into the hospital and went straight to Kuroko’s room. He didn’t relax until he saw Kuroko’s eyes were closed and he was sleeping. It looked far from a peaceful sleep though. It looked like he was in pain.

Akashi caught his breath and gently moved Kuroko over on the bed a little. It was one of the larger beds and with neither of them being very big, they both fit easily. He was careful not to disrupt the wires and tubes when he took the place beside the bluenette and held him close. Relief washed over him when he saw the pained expression on Kuroko’s face lessen ever so slightly, and he fell into a light sleep.

++++++++++

Just as Midorima expected, Akashi appeared in the doorway of the Doctor’s office the next morning. Hiroto was on his couch sleeping, having spent the night in case anything went wrong with Kuroko. He took this case personally and Akashi was thankful for that.

 

The red head was gentle in waking the man. Hiroto took a few minutes to realize where he was and collect himself.

"Akashi-kun? Good morning."

Akashi only nodded. It wasn't really a good morning. The doctor pushed himself off the couch, pausing to stretch for a moment and headed towards the office door.

"Lets go get some coffee. We can talk after that." The doctor suggested before trying and failing to hold back a yawn.

Akashi said nothing but followed. They went to the cafeteria which was only occupied by a few of the hospital staff and some tired looking visitors. It was mostly quiet.

With coffee and breakfast in their hands, the pair settled down at a small table in the corner. Akashi sipped at his black coffee before cracking his egg over his bowl of rice and stirring the two together before forcing himself to take a bite. He wasn’t really in the mood to be eating at the moment. Nerves and an aching heart didn’t exactly stimulate his appetite and he wasn’t a breakfast person even on a good day. Dr. Midorima had insisted he get something though. Normally, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to listen, but the doctor managed to convince him for Kuroko’s sake. Apparently, the doctor knew Kuroko was his weakness. Akashi mentally scolded himself for even having a weakness, but only briefly.

Dr. Midorima added a creamer and a sugar to his coffee before taking several sips. He had grabbed a bagel with cream cheese and an apple. Ironically enough, despite insisting the boy across from him get something to eat, he wasn’t all that interested in food that morning either, and he _was_ a breakfast person. However, he had a lot to do today and would need his fuel….especially since he hadn’t gotten much sleep.

The two ate quietly and sipped their coffee. Hiroto took the trash to the trashcan and grabbed both of them another coffee since they both had drained their first ones already.

“My son said you might drop by. What’s up?” He took a rather casual tone as he leaned back in his chair.

“Thank you.” Akashi whispered.

“No need for that. You all are like a second family for my son.”

The red head didn’t speak.

“I’ll do everything in my power to keep him alive.” Dr. Midorima added, his tone serious.

“I wanted to ask you about taking Kuroko out of the hospital for a few hours on Saturday.”

The doctor seemed to ponder the idea for a moment before replying.

“What for?”

“A basketball game. Obviously he would just be watching. It’s a plan we all came up with to try to help him.” The red head quickly explained.

“It would require some preparation and he would need a nurse to go with him in case of emergencies. There’s no telling when things could take a turn for the worse. It will depend on his condition on Saturday as well.”

Akashi nodded. He had half expected a flat out no.

Hiroto glanced at his watch and got up. “We can talk more about this later. I have to get to work. If you need anything, ask any of the nurses.”

Dr. Midorima was off before Akashi could respond, not that he had anything important to say. He made his way back to Kuroko’s room quickly.

The feeding tube was inserted later that morning while the GOM, minus Akashi, and Kagami waited in the waiting room. Akashi stayed with Kuroko, who didn’t protest to the tube, but he also didn’t speak or look at anyone the entire day. When he was awake, which was only a couple hours here and there, he stared out the window with dull lifeless blue eyes that made Akashi feel like he would break into a million pieces.

Kuroko’s body didn’t reject the feeding tube much to everyones relief. It meant there was still a chance he could survive, although he didn’t seem too interested in such possibilities.

The GOM still went to the courts to practice that night leaving Kagami, and Riko who had stopped by, to keep Kuroko company. Although it was unlikely that Kuroko could do anything to harm himself while in the hospital and in his condition, they all insisted that someone be with Kuroko at all times.

As the days slowly passed, they remained determined not to leave him alone. In truth, it was more for their sanity than his. No one wanted him to pass away alone. It was a morbid thought, but they were being forced to come to terms with reality at this point. Kuroko could easily slip away at any moment. There might not be any kind of warning. If that happened, it meant they failed to fix him, so the least they could do is keep him company as he passed. And that meant someone was always in the room. They brought in a few things to make the room more comfortable too. The staff didn’t complain.

But Kuroko still wasn’t eating. He was on the feeding tube now, but that wasn’t enough. They all tried to convince him, but since entering the hospital, he had all but shut down and become a shell. He continued to refuse to speak or look anyone in the eye. He just stared. More often than not, Akashi stayed by Kuroko’s bed side or sat on the bed holding the smaller boy close.

Akashi was at his wits end by Friday. He felt lost. No matter what he tried, Kuroko wouldn’t snap out of his daze and he wouldn’t eat. Bribery, blackmail, tricks, force, begging, silence, kisses, nothing worked. Akashi was reduced to little more than a disheveled lump in the room staring at Kuroko who was staring out the window. He swore Kuroko’s skin felt a bit colder every night and that gaze was a bit more distant that before. It wasn’t unusual for clumps of Kuroko’s blue hair to detach itself from its owner in favor of the pillow or Akashi’s hand. His hands were pale and tinted blue and his body gathered new bruises from simple contact every day. His skin was dry and would have been white it not for the tinge of yellow…..a sign of his organs heading towards failure.

+

“Maybe we should forget about the game. We could remove all the tubes and machines and take him home and try to make his last moments comfortable. I don’t know. I thought we had been making some sort of process before but now…….”

“He’s just a zombie…” Aomine finished the Rakuzan captains train of thought. It was Saturday and Aomine had finally dragged the red head out of Kuroko’s room to get a bit of fresh air. “But we can’t give up yet. If the roles were reversed and it was one of us in that bed, you know damn well he would go through hell a hundred times and still not give up.” The navy haired teen added. He didn’t point out that that very stubbornness was also why they were having this much trouble in the first place.

“You don’t win poker by never folding, Daiki.”

“You don’t play poker so I don’t see the problem.”

Normally Akashi would have retorted with a murderous glare, but not today.

“Pull yourself together before tomorrows game, Akashi. Do it for Tetsu. It’s as much a real game as any other we played and far more important. We have to give it our best or else it’s pointless. He will know if we give anything less.” Patting Akashi on the shoulder to reassure him, Aomine left.

He was right, Akashi thought to himself and buried his head in his hands. Akashi was the captain and had to hold everyone together. Except….he was barely holding himself together. There was also the possibility that Kuroko wouldn’t be able to leave the hospital tomorrow. There was a possibility he wouldn’t even be alive tomorrow, although Akashi put that thought in the darkest and most dusty corner of his mind.


	20. Game Prep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. There was supposed to be more but I'm struggling with the basketball game scene so that's why this chapter is shorter.
> 
> Comments are appreciated and maybe they will help inspire me!
> 
> Until I find my magical inspiration, I will be editing all my stories. I'll let you know if and where I make any changes that actually matter at all.

~Saturday Morning.~

"He's clear to go." Dr. Midorima announced to the GOM and Seirin as he stepped out of Kuroko's hospital room. There was an audible sigh of relief.

"Now, I already told Seijuro and Shintaro, but I will tell you too. Nurse Yuki will be accompanying you in case of an emergency. There are some things to keep in mind. 1. Remember, he is still considered suicidal so no knives or rooftops or anything like that. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that though. 2. Avoid crowded places and contact with sick people. 3. He is not to be left alone or be out of sight at any point in time. Is that clear?" The doctor waited as everyone nodded their heads and murmured confirmations. "They will be out in a couple minutes then. I wish you all the best of luck." He nodded to the group and left.

"Alright everyone! If your name isn't Kagami or Izuki, follow me. We're heading out." Riko held her hand up as if preparing to charge out of the building and led the basketball players outside to the cars Akashi had provided so they wouldn't need to use public transportation or try to walk all the way to Seirin. Kagami and Izuki were going with the Kuroko, Midorima, and Akashi (much to Izuki's dismay).

~At the same time in Kuroko's hospital room.~

Dr. Midorima stepped outside after lecturing Akashi and Midorima and giving Kuroko the all clear.

"Hold the wheel chair still." Akashi ordered Midorima who was holding onto the wheel chair the hospital had provided. The red head gently put his arms underneath Kuroko and lifted him into the chair as if he was made of air. Kuroko didn't react. He hadn't reacted to anything all day any more than he had the past several days.

"I got the blankets." With Kuroko now in the chair, Midorima was grabbing the blankets and placing them over Kurokos lap. The March air was chilly for them but would be far worse for the smaller boy so they were making sure Kuroko would be bundled up. Wrapped up in one of Akashi's nicer soft jackets, a hat, scarf, gloves, and a blanket, he looked like he was heading out into a snowstorm and yet his skin was still cold and a shiver passed through him every now and then.

They finished making preparations and Akashi gave Kuroko a quick kiss on the lips. There was still no response, but the red head hadn't expected one. He straightened back up and pushed the wheelchair out of the room with Midorima close behind.

"Is everything ready?" Izuki questioned as the trio exited the room.

"Yes. Where is the nurse?"

"She's out front waiting." Kagami huffed. He was ready to get out of this stifling place. Hospitals were not a place he liked to be, and he hated them even more after his recent experiences with them.

They met the nurse outside and helped get Kuroko situated in the back of the limo. They had decided the limo would be best since it was more spacious and Kuroko could lay down and rest. With traffic, it would probably take 20 to 30 minutes to get to their destination.

"Let me know if you get too cold." Akashi placed a kiss on Kuroko's cheek and hit some buttons on a remote to turn up the heat. It might be a little warm for the rest of them, but that was okay.

It took more than half an hour to reach Seirin. There had been an accident on the already busy road causing traffic to be backed up. That was the downside of taking cars. At least Kuroko had been able to sleep.

"We have arrived Seijuro-sama." The driver announced as he opened the door for them.

Everyone else was already in the locker rooms with the exception of Riko, Kasamatsu, and Takao, when they arrived. Kise had dragged his captain along for some unknown reason and Takao was there to play referee. Akashi placed one last kiss on Kuroko's forehead before heading to the locker rooms with the others and leaving Kuroko with the nurse and Kasamatsu.

The GOM changed into their blue shirts and basketball shorts quietly. The first one to speak was Akashi once everyone was dressed.

"Gather around." He commanded. Aomine was glad he sounded more like himself today.

Everyone gathered and waited but Akashi didn't say anything.

"Oi! Akashi?" Aomine waved his hand in front of the red heads eyes and Akashi grabbed his wrist.

"Do you mind, Daiki." He hissed. Daiki pulled back.

"Well you weren't saying anything so I thought you were zoned out. You told us to gather so I figured you intended to say something."

"I did, but there isn't much for me to say really. You all know what is at stake here and what the goal is."

"Then lets not say anything. I don't mind not being yelled at before a game for once." Kise butted in with a big grin.

"I'm sure we can find something to yell at you for before the match starts." Midorima's tone was dead serious causing Aomine to laugh. Murasakibara had an amused look, Akashi grinned just a little, and Kise pouted. The mood in the room lightened a bit.

"Midorimacchi is mean. Do something Akashicchi!" The blond whined. Akashi raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

The red head grabbed his towel and water bottle and opened the door. "Let's go guys. We have a game to play." He walked out and the others followed.


	21. Game Changer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a bit with this chapter since I can't really write a basketball game. Anyway, thank you to everyone still reading this story. No, this isn't the end, I just wanted to say thank you!
> 
> Comments are appreciated as always. I've really enjoyed all the comments so far. If it weren't for them, it probably would have taken much longer to write this chapter!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

He didn’t really understand why they had to drag him to the gym. For some reason, Seirin challenged the GOM to an unofficial match and they had dragged him to come watch. If his legs weren’t numb from poor circulation, he might have tried to walk out. Why did he have to watch? Why did they want to rub his failure in his face? He was already dying. Wasn’t that enough? Why did they need to break his heart again?

Well…..Akashi had asked him to watch. It was more like he begged actually. So Kuroko would watch. Even if it hurt. That would be his last favor to the one he loved….to the one he failed.

Kuroko sighed as Akashi pushed him into the gym. The familiar smell of basketballs hit him. The red head left him with Kise’s captain, Midorima’s teammate, and Riko, who smiled softly at him and ruffled his hair.

++

Akashi was the first one out of the locker rooms and headed straight to Kuroko, placing another kiss on his forehead.

“This is the result of your efforts Tetsuya, so watch.” He whispered in the bluenettes ear and walked off.

Kuroko felt a sudden dread creep up on him. The GOM was going to crush Seirin and he was being forced to watch. Why did Akashi want him to watch this? Was this the other Akashi? Did he come back? Why did he have to watch his worst nightmare come true?

His fear must have shown on his face because Kasamatsu now had a hand on his shoulder and was asking him if he was okay. He just nodded.

Riko blew the whistle and Hyuga, Kagami, Izuki, Koganei, and Mitobe, Seirins starters, lined up with Akashi, Aomine, Midorima, Kise, and Murasakibara, the GOM’s starters.

Kuroko took a deep breath. The game began. Midorima got the ball first and passed it to Akashi who began dribbling full speed down the court. It wasn’t anything unusual to Kuroko. Akashi would score the first basket on his own. Except he didn’t. _He passed it?_ Kuroko thought as the ball was passed back to Midorima who took the first shot. _And they’re smiling?_

The GOM were smiling.

The first quarter ended with the GOM in the lead. It wasn’t surprising. No, the GOM being in the lead was expected, especially since Seirin didn’t have their blue-haired phantom. Yet, there was this slight warm feeling inside of Kuroko that he couldn’t explain. Everyone looked to be having fun. During the break, he could see them smiling and full of spirit as they planned for the second quarter and took a moment to breathe.

Seirin didn’t look defeated. If anything, they looked more fired up than Kuroko could remember them being except maybe during the Winter Cup. Izuki was no doubt telling lame jokes by the faces the other team members were giving. Hyuga was playfully wacking Kagami over the head, probably for saying something stupid. Riko just looked amused. But none of them looked like they were giving up.

The GOM bench wasn’t much different. Aomine was clearly arguing with Kise but neither were actually angry. Akashi was trying to get them to pay attention to what he was showing them on a clip board, although only Midorima and Murasakibara seemed to be paying attention. Eventually, Murasakibara offered his bag of chips to Kise and Aomine which effectively shut them up.

It was relaxed. It reminded Kuroko of the old days, when everyone was still a team. When games were fun.

“Tetsuya.” Akashi’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. He hadn’t noticed the red head come over. Kuroko realized Akashi had a worried look on his face as he crouched down in front of the wheel chair. “Is something wrong?”

Akashi reached out a wiped a tear from Kuroko’s cheek. The bluenette hadn’t even realized he was crying. The gym had gone silent as everyone was now watching Kuroko and Akashi with worried expressions.

“N…no..” Kuroko managed to croak out.

“Why are you crying?” Akashi accepted a tissue from Riko and began drying Kuroko’s cheeks and eyes.

“I was remembering…..”

The red head waited patiently for Kuroko to continue.

“You all……you look like you’re having fun….like old times….the way…..the way I wanted….I… I don’t understand…..”Kuroko’s sobs grew but the worried expressions were gone and everyone was suddenly gathered around Kuroko and Akashi.

“It’s because of you.” Akashi smiled softly. Kuroko paused in his crying and looked at Akashi again, thoroughly confused. What did he mean it was because of him? He had failed. He failed, right? But then how? It didn’t make sense.

“Wh…..What do…huh?” the bluenette couldn’t quite figure out what to ask.

“You didn’t fail us dummy.” Aomine huffed crossing his arms.

“We brought you here today to show you that Kurokocchi.” Kise placed a hand on Kuroko’s shoulder and gripped it just tightly enough to be reassuring.

“B…but I lost…and Ak….”

“Stop.” Akashi said sternly, cutting him off. “You lost the game, but you brought me back. It didn’t happen right away and….I was……I was afraid…” he admitted looking away. It wasn’t easy for him to admit such things. “I was afraid to tell you and afraid you would hate me. After everything I said….everything I did to you…” He took Kuroko’s hand and squeezed it gently. “I love you Tetsuya. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner.”

Kuroko stared. It was a lot of information to take in at once. He didn’t fail. Things were how they should be. Well maybe not. He was still broken now. But his friends were okay.

“I’m sorry…..” he whispered. Akashi pulled him into a hug.

“Please don’t say you’re sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. Just please…..” Akashi pulled away and placed his hands on Kuroko’s shoulders as he looked into those sad blue eyes. “Please get better…..let us help you this time.”

Kuroko hesitated. He wanted to say yes….but he knew it wasn’t quite that simple. He didn’t really feel like dying anymore but he wasn’t okay yet. He know he wasn’t a failure anymore….but it wasn’t so simple to just get better. Somehow, Akashi and the others seemed to understand what he was thinking.

“I don’t expect you to just be okay right away Tetsuya. We hurt you. Wounds take time to heal. So I’m not asking you to suddenly be okay. We aren’t asking you to suddenly forgive us. We aren’t asking you to suddenly love yourself again. We aren’t asking you to wake up tomorrow and be happy. I’m not asking that of you. None of us are. I’m only asking that you get help; that you try to get better, because none of this was ever your fault and you don’t deserve this.” Akashi let a tear lose as he pulled Kuroko back into his embrace. He understood the damage was severe. Kuroko wasn’t going to just stop being suicidal right away. He wasn’t going to suddenly be okay with eating right away. Wounds took time to heal. All he wanted was for Kuroko to say yes, that he would try, that he would accept the help. And Kuroko did. It was barely even a whisper and it was shaky because he was crying again too, but Kuroko said yes. And Akashi said thank you.

Most of the GOM were crying now and gathered close. Seirin was smiling and keeping a bit of distance, although Riko was crying too and Kagami and Hyuga looked like they were barely keeping the tears at bay.

“P….please finish the game.” Kuroko spoke up after several minutes when they were all starting to calm down. Akashi pulled away again and looked into Kuroko’s blue eyes searching for something.

“Are you sure Kurokocchi? You’re not too tired?”

“If you’re tired Tetsu, you should go back.”

“Kuro-chin??”

“Please. It’s only one more quarter. I would like to watch some more.”

“Promise you aren’t too tired?” Akashi asked sternly. Kuroko nodded. The red head sighed and then smiled and stood up. “Shall we?” he asked the others.

Confirmations, joyful shouts, and smiles responded and they all headed back onto the court. Akashi pulled Kuroko in for a quick hug and another kiss on the forehead before following.

The game ended with the GOM winning. It had been a relatively relaxed game with neither side really bent on winning so the scores actually ended up being pretty close. Kuroko fell asleep almost immediately after it ended and they were all happy to see a smile on his face as he slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, this is not the end of the story, just in case it sounded like it was. It's not.
> 
> I can't believe this is already 58 pages on microsoft word. Dang.


	22. Seijuro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated as always. You all are amazing!!!  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

 

Akashi tucked Kuroko into bed at the hospital and left the room to join the other GOM’s and Dr. Midorima in the hall.

“So I heard it went well.” Dr. Midorima spoke once Akashi had closed the door.

“He agreed to accept help at least. So what now?” Akashi asked the doctor.

“Willingly accepting help is a huge step. It significantly increases his chances, however there is still a long battle ahead. We can talk about this later though. For now, you should enjoy this victory.” Dr. Midorima smiled and started to turn away, but his son stopped him.

“I think I can speak for all of us when I say we would rather know now.” Midorima looked at the other four who nodded in agreement.

Dr. Midorima sighed. “It will take a while to explain…”

“We have time.” Akashi interrupted.

“I have some rounds I need to do. Wait in my office. My son knows the way. I should be back in an hour or so.” Dr. Midorima paused as a thought popped into his mind. “Actually, why don’t you boys grab something to eat first? You’re probably hungry. You can eat in the cafeteria or my office, just be in the office in about an hour.” He smiled and waved as he walked off.

“Shall we get something to eat then and take it to the office? It will be more comfortable than the cafeteria.” Midorima suggested. They all agreed and headed to the cafeteria.

Once they had their meals they followed Midorima to his father’s office and sat down on the couches and chairs.

“The game was fun, but now I’m tired.” Kise leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes.

“It was only a half game.” Aomine taunted.

“An emotional half game!” Kise glared at Aomine who glared right back practically growling.

“Eat your food.” Akashi’s stern command stopped them both instantly.

“Sorry Akashicchi.”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Aomine huffed looking away.

“Kuro-chin looked very happy though!” Murasakibara piped up in between mouthfuls of cake.

The rest nodded in agreement before quietly attending to their food. When they finished, they chatted about the game till Dr. Midorima returned.

“I’m glad you didn’t get too bored waiting for me.” The doctor crossed the room and took a seat in one of the empty chairs. The relaxed mood tensed.

“Back to our conversation earlier I assume?” Akashi asked. Dr. Midorima nodded.

“So what happens to Kurokocchi now? What do we do?” Kise’s smile had been replaced with a serious look as he asked in a quiet voice.

The doctor sighed and met the eyes of each person in the room. “Accepting help is a big step in the right direction. As I said before, his chances of surviving are much better now, however, this is only the beginning of the battle.” Dr. Midorima began to explain in the simplest way he could. “Recovery is a rollercoaster. You see, there are physiological and psychological changes that occur when mental disorders are developed. Simply removing or resolving the trigger or triggers doesn’t erase the damages. There are changes in hormone levels, paths for neurons firing, sensitivity levels/threshholds, etc. that occur with these disorders. Habits such as fear of food, self-deprecating thoughts, self-blame, causing physical harm to relieve stress, etc. have been formed. These things don’t just disappear overnight.”

“So he may still try to hurt himself?” Aomine was trying to understand the implications with little success. Dr. Midorima nodded.

“Yes. We won’t take him off suicide watch for a while just to be safe.”

“Kurokocchi……”

“Be patient with him. Don’t ask him to be his old self right away. It will take time and even once he recovers, he will need a continuing support system for the rest of his life to avoid relapse. Relapses are common both during recovery and after the patient is considered recovered.”

“Even if you glue Humpty Dumpty back together again, the cracks are still there and it will take less to break him next time because those cracks are now weak spots.” Kise blurted out surprising everyone and confusing some.

“What the hell are you talking about Kise?!” Aomine wacked the blond on the head.

“I think he just said something insightful for once in his life.” Midorima commented as he pushed his glasses up on his nose.

“That’s mean!” Kise pouted.

“I don’t get it.” Murasakibara complained and Aomine agreed.

Akashi smiled. “Thank you for explaining Dr. Midorima-san. We know it won’t be easy, but we won’t give up on him. You have my word.” Akashi stood and bowed. “Let’s let the doctor get back to his work. Come on everyone.”

Everyone stood and followed Akashi out of the office.

“Well, I promised my mom that I would help her with some stuff later today so I gotta run. Text me if anything happens!” Aomine took his leave quickly.

“Atsushi, don’t you need to catch the train soon?” Akashi reminded the giant who nodded.

“Can I say good bye to Kuro-chin first?”

“Yes. But if he is asleep, don’t wake him up.”

“Okay!” Murasakibara grinned and bounded down the hallway and out of sight. Akashi turned to Kise and Midorima.

“What are you two going to do now?”

“Mmmmm,” Kise thought for a moment before his face went pale. “Actually….I have a paper due tomorrow that I haven’t written yet…I should probably…”

“Baka.” Midorima’s tone lacked interest in the situation. He sighed when he noticed Kise was making puppy dog eyes at him. “You want my help don’t you?” He sounded annoyed.

Kise nodded enthusiastically drawing out another sigh from the green haired teen.

“Fine. I’m only helping because Kuroko would feel bad if you got a bad grade for trying to cheer him up instead of doing your homework!” Midorima defended himself but Kise had already tuned him out after he agreed and was dragging Midorima by the wrist out of the hospital. Akashi smiled after them and made his way to Kuroko’s room.

Murasakibara had already left when he arrived inside the room. Akashi ran his hands through Kuroko’s hair before settling down in the chair.

“Akashi-kun?” Kuroko slowly opened his eyes before coughing. Akashi grabbed a cup of water and lifted Kuroko’s head so he could take a sip.

“Are you okay?” He asked after putting the cup back down. Kuroko nodded.

“Please.” The bluenette weakly padded the empty space on the bed beside him. “It’s cold….and lonely…” He blushed slightly. Akashi smiled and removed his coat and shoes before climbing onto the bed.

“Of course Tetsuya.” Akashi said as he settled in. Kuroko slowly turned onto his side to face the red head.

“I love you Akashi-kun.” Kuroko whispered. It was so quiet Akashi almost didn’t hear it. Almost.

“Seijūrō.”

“Huh?”

“If you love me, call me Seijūrō, or Sei if you prefer.”

Kuroko blushed again and buried his face in Akashi’s chest.

“Say it.” Akashi encouraged while stroking Kuroko’s back.

“Seijūrō-kun.” Kuroko whispered into Akashi’s shirt. Akashi smiled.

“Go back to sleep Tetsuya.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I won’t.”


	23. Boyfriends and Soup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter BUT not the end of the story. It will be continued in a sequel titled "To Love What We Broke" and begin where this one leaves off. Yes, I suck at titling things. I'm aware. It's the best I got. Hmph.   
> Enjoy a bit of fluff.

A nurse woke Akashi before she set the dinner tray on the table that went across the bed and left. Akashi nudged the small sleeping figure in his arms gently. Kuroko’s eyes opened. Akashi heard the faint beeps of the heart monitor get closer together and the body in his arms tense up. He sighed inwardly, noting the uncomfortable expression on the blue haired boys face. Pressing a button on the side, he adjusted the bed to a sitting position and pulled the table closer, mentally preparing himself for a fight. Kuroko had agreed to try to get better, but that didn’t mean he would willingly eat, especially the first night. Akashi knew that. He hadn’t really expected it to go otherwise. Therefore, he wasn’t prepared for what came out of Kuroko’s mouth a moment later.

“W….will you h…help?” The bluenette whispered with a shaky voice, still noticeably tense. “I’m tired. My hands shake.” He held up his hands which shook like they always did. “It will spill.”

“You’ll eat?” Akashi asked hesitantly, thrown off by the unexpected request. A slight smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Kuroko nodded.

“Just a couple bites….no more than that.” Kuroko agreed. Akashi noticed the tears that were welling up in the smaller boys eyes and smiled gently. Despite being visibly afraid and upset, Kuroko was agreeing to the food and waiting patiently for Akashi to help. Akashi ran his hands through thin blue hair in an attempt at comfort.

“Thank you.” The red head kissed the bluenettes cheek and lifted a spoonful of soup, blowing lightly to cool it off before bringing to Kuroko’s lips.

“It’s okay. I promise. Just hold my hand and try not to think about it too much okay.” Akashi took Kuroko’s hand with his free one and felt the thin hand squeeze his slightly. Kuroko closed his eyes and let the soup enter his mouth. He swallowed as a tear fell down his cheek. Akashi wiped the tear away and brought another spoonful of soup to Kuroko’s mouth. It was accepted.

Akashi repeated the steps and whispering words of encouragement. He felt his hand being squeezed several times, usually followed by a stray tear running down Kuroko’s cheek. The situation was sad, but it was happy too, because Kuroko had chosen to eat. He was trying. For himself. For Akashi. For his friends. Akashi was happy, despite the ache in his heart, he was happy.

Ten spoonful’s was all Kuroko could handle, but Akashi was fine with that. He pushed the table away and adjusted the bed to somewhere between sitting and laying down. Once the bed stopped moving, he pulled Kuroko close and the smaller boy buried his face in the red heads shirt and sobbed.

“It’s okay Tetsuya. It’s okay.” Akashi rubbed circles on Kuroko’s back in a soothing motion. After several minutes, the crying was reduced to sniffles and Akashi spoke again.

“May I ask what you are thinking about right now?”

“Y…you don’t want to know.” Kuroko whispered.

“Is it about the soup?”

Kuroko nodded.

“Please keep it down. For me.”

Kuroko nodded, although more hesitantly than before. He gripped Akashis shirt tighter in his fists.

“It’s okay Tetsuya. I’m here with you okay. Try to get some rest. You need it.”

Kuroko nodded again keeping his face buried. Akashi stroked his hair and back soothing him until he fell asleep again.

+++

The first thing Kuroko was aware of when he woke was the lack of warmth beside him. He slowly opened his eyes and searched the room before landing on the familiar red head.

“Aka……Sei-kun?” He corrected himself. Akashi looked up from his laptop and smiled.

“You’re awake.” The red head stated.

“What are you doing?”

“Just some assignments and stuff. Did my typing wake you?” Akashi shut his computer and sat on the bed giving Kuroko a quick peck on the lips. Kuroko shook his head.

“No. I don’t think so.” He paused to cough before he continued. “You haven’t been going to school because of me…….” He looked down at white sheets. Akashi grabbed his chin and forced Kuroko to look at him.

“It’s okay. I can do my school work from here. Don’t be sad.”

“But what about basketball?”

“I usually drop in two or three times a week.”

“How? When?”

Akashi grinned. “I take the helicopter sometimes or the Shinkansen so it takes almost no time at all for travel. Now enough about that. How are you feeling?”

Kuroko pouted at the subject change but answered. “Tired.” He admitted reluctantly. “And thirsty.” He added after a pause. Akashi stood and poured some tea. He hit a button to adjust the bed so Kuroko could sit up before pressing the cup to his lips. Kuroko took a few sips.

“That better?”

Kuroko nodded and closed his eyes. “It’s okay to call you Sei-kun?” Kuroko asked suddenly without opening his eyes.

“Of course.” Akashi smiled. He liked how pure his nickname sounded from Kuroko’s lips.

“Okay. It’s shorter than Seijuro so it’s easier.” He coughed a bit.

“Sei-kun is fine.” Akashi brought the tea back to Kuroko’s lips allowing Kuroko to drink a few sips before putting it back down. “Tetsuya?”

“Hmm?”

“Will you be my boyfriend?”

Kuroko’s eyes fluttered open and studied the red head for a moment.

“I thought I already was?” He gave his confused reply causing Akashi to chuckle.

“Well I never officially asked you.”

“The answer is yes, on one condition.”

Akashi raised one eyebrow giving Kuroko a questioning look. “You thought you already were but now there is a condition?”

Kuroko simply nodded with the slightest of smiles.

“Alright, lets hear it.” Akashi relented, unsure of what to expect.

 Kuroko’s smile grew just a bit and he blushed slightly. He wasn’t used to asking the kind of thing he was about to ask for. It wasn’t a big deal, but embarrassing all the same.

“Come back to bed. It’s cold….and I miss you….and stay till I wake up this time.” He looked away, his blush deepening. Akashi chuckled.

“That’s all?”

Kuroko nodded still blushing and not facing Akashi. Akashi pulled back the covers and slipped in. He slid one arm under Kurokos head and draped the other over his waist pulling the bluenette closer and tucking Kuroko’s head comfortably under his chin.

“Is this good?” Akashi whispered.

Kuroko nodded thankful Akashi couldn’t see his blush.

“I love you Tetsuya.”

“I love you too Sei-kun.”

“Get some sleep. I won’t leave.”

Kuroko smiled and closed his eyes again letting Akashi’s warmth lull him back to sleep.

 


	24. Important

I am only leaving this notice up for a few days.

You have reached the end of "To Fix What We Broke" _ **BUT**_ the story is not over yet. (Unless you don't want to read anymore in which case I'll just go cry in the corner over there....

Just kidding!)

It will continue from where it leaves off in the sequel "To Love What We Broke" 

Yes, I have no ability to give things good names. Hush. I am absolute! Just kidding. I'm not. But Akashi is!!!! Yay Akashi. 

 


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